jennsylvania

Sometimes I Am Busy

So... hi.  What's new?

I've been gone from here for a while. 

I'm aware of that fact. 

I was made even more aware of that fact when a handful of readers saw fit to track down not only my personal email address but also my home address to demand answers on what I've been doing.

(Yes.  That's the kind of response that makes me want to come rushing back to my blog.)

So, where have I been?

The short answer is that sometimes I am busy.

That sounds like bullshit, but bear with me.  The long answer is that I pledged not to include any blog entries in The Tao of Martha and just about everything I'm doing right now is book-related.  Up until Tuesday, everything else taking up my time was election-related, and it's my policy not to write about politics.

(If social media is any indication, I'm the only person in the universe to have followed that policy.) 

Point?  Long-timey no-writey. 

I'm still consistently on Twitter @altgeldshrugged and whenever Fletch remembers what he changed my password to, I'll be back on Facebook.

(Worst. Assistant. Ever.)

Over the summer, there was some stuff going on behind the scenes and I didn't want to return with nothing to show for my absence. 

Following, you will find the high points.

First, a STARRED REVIEW (my first!) from Kirkus on Here I Go Again:

HERE I GO AGAIN [STARRED REVIEW!]
Author: Lancaster, Jen

Review Issue Date: November 1, 2012
Online Publish Date: October 10, 2012
Publisher:NAL/Berkley
Pages: 320
Price ( Hardcover ): $25.95
Publication Date: January 29, 2013
ISBN ( Hardcover ): 978-0-451-23672-2
Category: Fiction

In a whimsical twist on the Back to the Future scenario, a bully returns to her high school days to right some wrongs.

At 17, Lissy Ryder was the Mean Girl of Lyons Township High in suburban Chicago. As head cheerleader and girlfriend of the football team captain, Duke, she had a clique of cool girls in her thrall, and she persecuted anyone who was different or nonconformist. Now 37, Lissy, a publicist, lives only to overspend. After she’s fired by her PR firm for shirking, her husband, Duke, stops covering her massive debts and asks for a divorce. She’s gained a few pounds since moving back to her parents’ house and is not looking forward to the 20-year reunion of LTH’s class of ’92. Hoping to network with her former sycophants, she’s appalled to find that, without exception, her victims have outclassed and outperformed her. Amy, a girl Lissy mocked for her long nose, is now a plastic surgeon to the stars. One-time hippie outcast Debbie is now Deva, a New-Age entrepreneur. Brian, a dorky but attractive neighbor Lissy dumped for Duke, is an Internet couponing mogul. At the reunion, Lissy is the pariah. When Deva gives her a rare Incan potion, Lissy thinks it’s a hangover cure, until she wakes up in her parents’ house—in 1991! Lissy seizes this opportunity to avoid karmic missteps, dialing down the meanness. Back in the future, Lissy is not only happily hitched to Duke, but as the CEO of a thriving Chicago PR firm, is supporting him. She has it all, including the Birkin bag and the Gold Coast town house. However, now her victims are failures: Brian toils in a grim cubicle, the plastic surgeon is a trailer-trash drunk, etc. How can Lissy rectify the unintended consequences of her well-meaning do-over? The answer, while subject to many of the logical sinkholes typical of parallel-universe tales, is still unexpected enough for a fitting and none too treacly close.

Quantum physics was never funnier. A great read.

Badass, amirite?  In previous books, Kirkus may have alluded to wanting to kick me until dead (I might be editorializing) (slightly), so this is very, very exciting!

Here's the cover for Here I Go Again, by the way. 

The mirror is actually die-cut and the printing on the book itself is a bulletin board.  The pink comes from a shot of a prom dress that shows through.  Love this so much!  We're doing some cool things design-wise to make the book more collectible for those who prefer real pages over ereaders. 

(The footnote problem is solved for ereaders in so much as this book does not include footnotes.  I KNOW.  But my main character Lissy is kind of an asshole and the last thing she'd do is provide chatty little asides to readers.) 

(I promise you will not miss them here, okay?) 

If the nod from Kirkus weren't enough, I also received a starred review from Publishers Weekly, who also may or may not have also mentioned how my work inspired them to don their pointiest boots in other reviews.

Can't find the review online yet, but the print version calls this book "Mean Girls meets Back to the Future" and says that "Lancaster's as adept at fiction as she is at telling her own stories -no matter what she's writing, it's scathingly witty and lots of fun." 

SWEET!!

I loved writing this book and as there's a magical realism element, it's a complete departure from anything I've done previously.  The theme is really universal and the characters and situations are entirely new and unique.  Which means no one is going to mistake me for the main character.  (I realize now how confusing that was in If You Were Here.)  (I'm still so proud of that book, but I get why some readers found it disconcerting.)

Here I Go Again comes out on February 5th.  Please preorder here:

Amazon

Barnes & Noble

Books-A-Million

IndieBound

Target

Walmart

Target's site still lists the original release date of December 31st, but that's incorrect.  Originally, the book dropped then, but we found that bookstores didn't want to hold an event that night, or even that week.  Makes total sense to me, but I'm sorry if you were expecting the book sooner.  I hope it will have been worth the wait. 

Frankly, I'm relieved the publication date was pushed back because I'll be working on The Tao of Martha until January 15th and the idea of writing while touring makes me terror sweat. 

And speaking of the book about my year of living Martha, here's the biggest news from Deadline Hollywood:

EXCLUSIVE: After dipping her toe in the sitcom waters with a guest spot on CBS’ 2 Broke Girls last May, lifestyle mogul Martha Stewart is entering the space in a major way with Tao Of Martha, a single-camera comedy she is executive producing for Fox. The project, from Imagine TV and 20th TV, is based on Jen Lancaster’s upcoming book Tao Of Martha, which is in the vein of Julie And Julia, with domestic diva Stewart as a role model instead of cooking icon Julia Child.

The Tao Of Martha centers on a highly disorganized, scattered former party girl who decides she needs to grow up after her husband leaves her because he can’t handle her chaotic lifestyle anymore. She decides to kill two birds with one stone: become a better role model for her daughter and write a new book about changing her life according to the “teachings” of Martha Stewart. Jake In Progress creator Austin Winsberg will write the script and serve as showrunner. He executive produces with Stewart and Imagine’s Brian Grazer and Francie Calfo. Stweart is not attached to star but may make occasional, mostly voice-over appearances. The Tao of Martha book will be published next fall. Winsberg is repped by CAA, Underground and Warren Dern. Imagine and Stewart are with CAA.

So... yeah.  No pressure here to turn out my absolute best work now, right?

Truly, this is beyond my wildest dreams and I'm so grateful to all involved.  Originally, I was just hoping not to be sued by Omnimedia for pursuing the project.  (Spoiler alert: I am TEAM MARTHA, so it's in no way disrespectful to her, but you never know.)  So now to not only have her attorneys' blessings, but also to be excited enough to stand behind the concept which resulted in bids from Fox and NBC?  It's astounding and humbling.

Austin Winsberg, the screenwriter, was the one who figured out how to take my book concept and turn it into a sitcom and I'm awed by his ability.  There are lots more steps if and when this will ever appear on your television, but I have complete confidence that Austin will make it great.

Anyway, all of this brings me back to my original point that sometimes I am legitimately busy, and not just sitting around watching Nashville.  (Even though it is an outstanding show.  Connie Britton is transcendent.)  That means if you don't hear from me more frequently, there's no need to call my house.

Seriously.

God.

In non-Jen-related-news, I'm so excited to mention that the Young House Love book is now out!  You guys know how adorable I think Sherry and John are and I could not be more proud of them for their efforts!  Anyone who's spent two months watching their husband repaint a dresser (ahem) will be exceptionally inspired and motivated by their projects.

Look how cute it is/they are:

Find out all about them here.

Also, my friend Chris Mann (who you'll remember from The Voice) has released his new album Roads!  I'm thrilled for his well-earned success!  You can download the album here and follow him on Twitter here.

Or you can see him five seconds before Fletch put him in a headlock here:

Personally, I'd go for the album because the music is incredible!

Anyway, that's it for now. 

All is well and I'm grateful for your patience.

Except for those who came to my house. 

You're just jerks.

 

You're Going To Want To Win This, Seriously - WINNERS ANNOUNCED!

Thanks to all of you for participating! 

The big winner is...

Krista, who digs mocking her neighbor while he cuts his huge lawn with a weed wacker!  (Krista, I like your style!)  Also, I have your email address, so I've already sent you details on how to claim your prize.

For everyone else, I'm so sorry the comments got screwy (and pleased at Typepad's quick fix!)  As a thanks for your patience, I'm also awarding five second prizes and they go to...

Marissa, who's into all the flowers, especially the flowering trees

McKenzie, who loves the sun and thus, could never marry a Cullen (why do you hate sparkling vampires, McKenzie?)

CJ, who, among other things, enjoys playing with her pups along the Gulf coast, and less so enjoys having to take Allegra

Christine, with her white pants and orange tops (FYI, I've come around on orange, particularly for accessories)

And Shawn, who is secure enough in his manhood to know a good read when he sees one

I've also already emailed you guys.

Again, thanks for playing and I'll do this again when I receive more copies of Jeneration X!

* * *

It's that time of year again - the snow is gone (at least it better be, unless Mother Nature's angling for a punch in the neck), the birds are chirping, and the verdant land is pumping out so much pollen that it's practically impossible to step outdoors without an asthma inhaler.

Ah, spring!

With perpetually runny noses and stoner-grade red eyes, spring brings something else awesome... the first blush of the best summer beach reads.  Inevitably, this is when all of my favorite books of the year are published.

To celebrate the annual storing of the snow shovel, I'm giving away a stack of excellent summer reads!

The lucky winner of this giveaway will receive:

Sarah Pekkanen's These Girls

From the publisher's description:  Cate, Renee, and Abby have come to New York for very different reasons, and in a bustling city of millions, they are linked together through circumstance and chance.

Cate has just been named the features editor of Gloss, a high-end lifestyle magazine. It’s a professional coup, but her new job comes with more complications than Cate ever anticipated.

Her roommate Renee will do anything to nab the plum job of beauty editor at Gloss. But snide comments about Renee’s weight send her into an emotional tailspin. Soon she is taking black market diet pills—despite the racing heartbeat and trembling hands that signal she’s heading for real danger.

Then there’s Abby, whom they take in as a third roommate. Once a joyful graduate student working as a nanny part time, she abruptly fled a seemingly happy life in the D.C. suburbs. No one knows what shattered Abby—or why she left everything she once loved behind.

Pekkanen’s most compelling, true-to-life novel yet tells the story of three very different women as they navigate the complications of careers and love—and find the lifeline they need in each other.

 

But wait, there's more!  The winner will also receive:

Allison Winn Scotch's The Song Remains the Same

One of only two survivors of a plane crash, Nell Slattery wakes in the hospital with no memory of the horrific experience-or who she is, or was. Now she must piece together both body and mind, with the help of family and friends, who have their own agendas. She filters through photos, art, music, and stories, hoping something will jog her memory, and soon, in tiny bits and pieces, Nell starts remembering. . . .

It isn't long before she learns to question the stories presented by her mother, her sister and business partner, and her husband. In the end, she will discover that forgiving betrayals small and large will be the only true path to healing herself-and to finding happiness.

 

Which would be awesome if I stopped there, right?  And yet there's MORE!  How about I throw in a copy of...

Blogess Jenny Lawson's Let's Pretend This Never Happened

Jenny Lawson realized that the most mortifying moments of our lives—the ones we’d like to pretend never happened—are in fact the ones that define us. In Let’s Pretend This Never Happened, Lawson takes readers on a hilarious journey recalling her bizarre upbringing in rural Texas, her devastatingly awkward high school years, and her relationship with her long-suffering husband, Victor. Chapters include: “Stanley the Magical, Talking Squirrel”; “A Series of Angry Post-It Notes to My Husband”; “My Vagina Is Fine. Thanks for Asking”; “And Then I Snuck a Dead Cuban Alligator on an Airplane.” Pictures with captions (no one would believe these things without proof) accompany the text.

 

And that would all be plenty, yes?  Very satisfying and should keep you reading well into swimsuit season, yes?

But since this is all coming from my house anyway, how about I throw in an autographed copy (on one of those fancy bookplates) of my first novel If You Were Here?

Told in the uproariously entertaining voice readers have come to expect from Jen Lancaster (again, this is from the publisher's description - I've not taken to talking about myself in the third person) (yet), If You Were Here follows Amish-zombie-teen- romance author Mia and her husband Mac (and their pets) through the alternately frustrating, exciting, terrifying-but always funny-process of buying and renovating their first home in the Chicago suburbs that John Hughes's movies made famous. Along their harrowing renovation journey, Mia and Mac get caught up in various wars with the homeowners' association, meet some less-than-friendly neighbors, and are joined by a hilarious cast of supporting characters, including a celebutard ex- landlady. As they struggle to adapt to their new surroundings- with Mac taking on the renovations himself- Mia and Mac will discover if their marriage is strong enough to survive months of DIY renovations.

 

And, what the hell, may as well include my only (thus far) early copy of Jeneration X, too, which won't be available to the general public until May 1.  (Yes, I'll be sure to sign it, too, no worries!)

There's no clever summation up from my publisher about this book for me to cut and paste and I'm far too lazy to write one after having written the entire damn book, so let's just say this is my manifesto against hipsters, boomers, helicopter parents, assholes at Whole Foods, and anyone else who gets in my way.  (So trust me when I tell you that the bitch from Bitter is back.)

 

Seriously, best giveaway ever, right?

To win, all you have to do is leave a comment about your favorite part of spring.  No need to write an essay - just a couple of words to verify that you're not a robot or something.  I'll select the winner of this awesome stack o' beach reads via random number generator. 

In terms of fine print, one entry per person/IP address and valid only in the United States.  (Sorry, Canada!  Not my fault!)  I'll be accepting entries until 6:00 PM CST on Wednesday, April 11th.

If you don't win or care to purchase any of these fine books, they're available at fine retailers everywhere within the next week.  You can also check out the author's websites for purchasing options and more details about their writing.

Sarah Pekkanen

Allison Winn Scotch

Jenny Lawson

Thanks for playing, Happy Spring, and... may the odds be ever in your favor!

 

Team Edward, Team Jacob, Or Team Take Your Pants Off?

For those of you who wonder if I'll cover Eclipse, the answer is yes.

For those of you who wonder what that means, I'll refer you to the New Moon post. 

For those of you who've seen that post and still wonder why I'm doing this, well... let's just say it beats working for a living. 

So, without further delay, I give you Eclipse: The Jennsylvania Edition.

* * *

Bella and Edward:  Yay!  We're reunited!

Bella:  "Edward!  I totally love you in a non-platonic sense!  Let's celebrate our romance in an, ahem, traditional way, if you know what I mean."

Edward:  "Yes!  I'm absolutely on the same page!  Marriage it is!"

Bella:  "Argh.  Then can you please at least compliment me on my rack?"

Edward:  "Certainly.  Your rack is fantastic.  Are those two kinds of oregano I spy?"

Bella:  "Sigh.  In unrelated news, what up with the big pile of dead folk in Seattle, homie?"

Edward:  "I know, right?  Totes creepy."

Bella:  "My dad says it's the work of a..."

Bella:  "... cereal killer."

Alice, Edward, and Bella:  "Seriously?  We're just plastic action figures and even we can manage to look disgusted with your stupid pun, Jen."

Me:  "I'm sorry.  I had three Mai-tais at lunch today and it seemed funny to me."

Bella:  "Shouldn't we be getting back to my tortured love life?  We need to move this along if I'm ever getting the pants off that foppish Brit."

Me:  "I'm on it.  By the way, a bunch of brand new vampires killed all those guys."

Bella:  "Oh, I'm sorry - are YOU now Stephenie Meyer?  'Cause your checking account doesn't seem to think so.  Piss off."

Me:  "Okay, okay.  I'm going."

Edward:  "No!  I won't let you associate with the wolf-boy!"

Bella:  "Please?"

Edward:  "Nope."

Bella:  "Pretty please?"

Edward:  "No freaking way."

Bella:  "Pretty please with hemoglobin on top?"

Edward:  "My resolve is as immobile as my pants."

Me:  "So, Bella, he not only breaks into your room and watches you sleep but also wants to dictate who your friends are?  Oh, honey... run." 

Bella:  "Why are you still here?"

Me:  "Because the man's over a hundred years old and you're a minor!  It's not only unnatural, but it's also a crime.  Oh, and speaking of statutory rape, can you possibly suggest that Jacob take off his shirt?  Not for me.  For America."

Bella:  "ANYWAY..."

Bella:  "I feel naughty sneaking away and riding motorcycles in the woods with you Jake!  Perhaps this will make Edward so mad he'll try to, ahem, spank me."

Jacob:  "FYI, I'm totally still a werewolf.  My Dirty Dancing jean shorts automatically come off when I phase."

Bella:  "Noted.  But keep your pants on, dude, I only like you as a friend.  I think."

Jacob: "Yet millions of cougars around the world would disagree."

Jacob:  "Team Jacob!"

Edward:  "Team Edward!"

Bella:  "Team I-Would-Be-the-Meat-in-this-Sandwich-If-It-Weren't-for-the-Damn-PG-13-Rating!  Oh, wait, was that out loud?"

Alice:  "Um, hello?  Do you horndogs need me to Mapquest your way back to the plot of this thing?"

Me:  "I can help."

Alice:  "What are you, the Greek chorus?"

Me:  "No, but I don't need to be Euripides to see Victoria's behind everything.  Also, since apparently it's not important to keep main characters consistent throughout the movie franchise, please note that the actress who was playing Victoria has been replaced..."

Me:  "... by Betty Draper."

Victoria:  "My husband Don Draper would first nail Bella, then he'd smoke, then he'd pay her five thousand dollars to go away."  

Me:  "Wrong show, sweetie."

Victoria:  "Oh, right.  My bad.  I guess I'll just raise an unholy army and off the bitch myself."

 
Bella:  "She's going to kill me before I ever get your pants off."

Edward:  "Not to worry, I'll fix everything."

Bella:  "Ooh, did you get us a room?"

Edward:  "Better - I enlisted the whole wolf pack to help us."

Bella:  "Aces."

Bella:  "If I get Lyme disease out here, you're in big trouble, mister."

Edward:  "We'll mask your scent with the wolf-boy's stink.  Victoria will never find you."

Jacob:  "Stink?  The makers of Axe Body Spray for Men beg to differ."

Edward:  "Whatevs.  Now go take Bella to a cold, cold mountaintop.  And try to keep your shirt on.  You're not stealing this movie from me, too."

Jacob:  "I promise nothing."

Jacob:  "I'll keep you warm, baby."

Bella:  "Well, since we're practically in Canada, it really wouldn't count, so..."

Edward:  "Hey!  Don't mind me!  I'll just freaking risk my afterlife while you may or may not make out with a dog!"

Victoria:  "Hey!  Edward!  Checkity-check it!  It's your reflection!  And I think I saw some hair gel behind that rooster cookie jar!"

Edward:  "The only thing I love more than gazing at my tousled locks is Bella.  Say good night, Betty.  I mean, Victoria.  Damn it, you're right, Jen - it IS confusing."

Me:  "I told you so."

Edward:  "Um, hi?  Kind of busy here."

Me:  "Right.  Have at it.  Sweep the leg, Johnny!" 

Edward:  "Victory!  And now, decapitation!"

Me:  "I paid seventy-four dollars for that doll.  Let's just say we beheaded her, alrighty?"

Edward:  "You, ma'am, are no Stephenie Meyer."

Me:  "Yeah, and yet I could write you into some really shitty fan fiction, so if you want to keep your virtue pal, you'll STFU."

Edward:  "Fine.  Are we done yet?"

Me:  "Almost."

 
Edward:  "Now there's nothing standing in the way of our wedding!!"

Bella:  "Yay."

Edward:  "You realize that means I'll take my pants off."

Bella:  "YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!OMG!!!1!!PONIES!!!ELEVENTY!!!1!!1WOOOOOOO!!!!  But wait... I wonder how Jake will feel about this?"

Edward:  "He's run away, so perhaps we'll never know..."

THE END