jennsylvania

Sixteen, No, Forty Really Self-Promote-y Candles

What are you doing on March 24th?

If you're in the Chicago area (or, as I like to say, If You Were Here), join me for what's going to be the coolest event ever!

What:  A screening of the beloved John Hughes classic film Sixteen Candles, coupled with onstage conversation, audience Q&A, and a book signing! 

Who:  Do I need to mention the signing is with me?  Because the signing is with me if that wasn't abundantly clear. 

Where:  Theater Wit, 1229 West Belmont, Chicago, IL

When:  2:00 PM, Saturday, March 24th

What Else:  Tickets are $40 and the price includes admission, a signed copy of the paperback release of If You Were Here, and a champagne toast! 

Why:  Because there's an entire generation who's never seen the glory that is Jake Ryan on the big screen!

The event is limited to 100 people, so if you're interested, buy your tickets here and now!

(This is the paperback cover.  It's the same book as the one with the welcome mat, except this edition has a Q&A and a reader's guide in which I detail exactly which incidents are true, as well as a sneak preview of Jeneration X.)

As a quick reminder, here are the deets to my Spring Break Book Tour for the IYWH paperback release:

TUESDAY, MARCH 6

MIAMI, FL

Books & Books

265 Aragon Ave

Coral Gables, FL 33134

8 PM

 

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 7

VERO BEACH, FL

Vero Beach Book Center

2145 Indian River Blvd

Vero Beach, FL 32960

6 PM

 

THURSDAY, MARCH 8

JACKSONVILLE, FL

Barnes and Noble

10280 Midtown Parkway

Jacksonville, FL 32246

7 PM

 

FRIDAY, MARCH 9

PHOENIX, AZ

Barnes and Noble

21001 N. Tatum Blvd.

Phoenix, AZ 85050

7 PM

 

Finally, tour dates and cities for the memoir Jeneration X will be coming as soon as the events are nailed down!

(This is the cover of Jeneration X.  Get it?  It's a ceral box!  Also, I get in trouble if I don't show the cover often enough, so there you go.)

Thanks and I hope to see you out there somewhere this spring!

(P.S. Yes, I'll post a photos of Fletch's hateful photos tomorrow.  Or, you could just come to the Sixteen Candles event and see it live and in person.  Totally your call.)

 

What's Your Number? - UPDATED WITH WINNERS!

Okay, winners will have just received an email from me and from Karyn, but in case you're looking here first and not your inbox, they are:

With- Wendi Roach, Heidi Eicher

Withouth - Amy Goddard, Arlene A (aecarb), and Amy (seanamy)

Thanks so much for playing!

* * *

This is my friend Karyn.

Nope, she's not the bride.

She's the one with her feet in the air.

I chose this shot because it best sums up everything Karyn is.

I've known Karyn a number of years ago but I knew of her long before that because she was my nemesis. She'd turned her website SaveKaryn.com into a book and sold a movie about it, too. I'd log on to her site, read about her success, and I'd use my bitterness about what she'd accomplished as motivation to start my own website and write my own book. (Still waiting for the movie, though.)

When I finally met her, she won me over in the first five seconds and she's since become one of my dearest friends.

Isn't she adorable?

Anyway, even though she sold her memoir to a movie studio, that's no guarantee it would ever see an audience. Ninety-nine percent of the time, the movie doesn't get made. Which sucks.

But that's not the kind of detail that stops Karyn. I mean look at the top picture; if she doesn't care about pesky stuff like the laws of gravity, she's certainly not going to worry about percentages.

So she wrote a novel and called it Twenty Times a Lady.

And she sold another movie based on her book.

And this time? Karyn's movie got made.

You can see What's Your Number in theaters everyone September 30th!

To celebrate the coming film and the re-release of the Twenty Times a Lady book (now called What's Your Number?,) we're giving away signed copies to five lucky winners!

We've got three copies of the US version and two of the UK version. Here's what they look like:

The US version

And here's the UK version

Again, because this is Karyn, it makes total sense that Captain America is on the cover of the British version and not the American one. (Other than the covers, they're completely the same inside.) When Karyn and I discussed how I should do this contest, Karyn suggested that everyone write their "number" in the comments section, but... no. This is not information I want to have, nor do you need to share with the whole Internet in order to win a book.

To enter to win one of the copies, write in the comments section "With" if you prefer the cover with Captain America or "Without" if you want the American version. That's it, just "with" or "without." One entry per person/IP address, and the winners will be chosen at random. I'm going to leave the contest open until 12:00 PM tomorrow and I'll announce the winners tomorrow afternoon.

So... happy reading, happy viewing, and good luck!

P.S. When Fletch saw the trailer for the first time, he was quiet for a minute before he said, "This really happened to her, didn't it?"

I guess we'll never know...

 

The Sausage King of Chicago - UPDATED WITH #WINNING!

The contest is over, which means the winner by means of random number generation is...  #1182, Tricia Mullen!

Congrats, Tricia!  An autographed book and DVD are coming your way soon!

* * * * * * * * * *

I have two very exciting things to share today:

First up, the World Premiere of my new book video!

Fine.  Technically, this has been available on YouTube since last week.  Also, I gave everyone on my Facebook fan page a sneak peek yesterday.  Which you could have seen then had you "liked" my page.  Feel free to "like" my page now, especially as I post bonus content and photos there.  So maybe the photos are of Chinese lunchboxes and used shoes I bought on the internet, but still... Unique!  Exclusive!  LIKE!

Ahem, anyway, calling this a World Premiere gives this silly business some gravitas, so let's go with it.

 

Next up, you'll note that my deep and abiding love of John Hughes is referenced a number of times.  What you might not know is we specifically bought our place in this town because Hughes was from here.  Sounds like a dumb reason get a mortgage, but honestly, that's a direct result of the impact he had on my life. 

When my character Mia makes seriously questionable decisions based on her passion for Hughes movies, well... let's just say there's a thin line between fact and fiction.  This whole book is a love letter to Hughes's work and I dedicated it to his memory.  (There's actually a little more to the story, but I don't want to spoil anything, so I'll tell you once the book comes out.)

Anyway, I imagine an awful lot of you are Hughes fans, too.  That's why today's book giveaway is based on his work.  In the comments section, hit me with your favorite quote from any of his movies to win a copy of If You Were Here AND a Sixteen Candles DVD, which is my all-time favorite Hughes flick. 

If you're like me, the hardest part will be figuring out which line you love best!

But fear not - if you're unfamiliar with his films (because you grew up on the moon or something) (or are young) all you have to do is jot down Charlie Sheen's famous and prophetic line from Ferris Bueller's Day Off:

"Drugs?" 

The contest runs from now until 9:00 CST tomorrow, April 6th.  One entry per IP address and the winner will be chosen by random number selection.  Void where prohibited, blah blah blah.

So if you think about it, this contest is kind of social. 

Demented and sad, but social.

And remember, we're all pretty bizarre.  Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all.

Cardboard Canyon, Let Me Show It To You

Hey, you know what was a GREAT idea? 

Deciding to move a month before I have to turn in a new book!

Ha, ha, no stress here!

So, until I get through this...

And this...

And this...

I will leave you with this....

(my Trib column that I completely forgot to post earlier this month)

and this....

(deets on how to win lunch with my best friend Stacey and me)

and this...

"Fuck you, Labradoodle."

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to find an IV drip full of Xanax...

Scorsese Strikes Again

Today I performed canine intelligence tests for your viewing pleasure. 

First up... Maisy!  Will she be smart enough for Princeton? 

Watch and find out!

Next up, Loki!

Explode!  Explode!

Sigh.

Looks like the University of Illinois for you, dogs.

You Know What's Nice?

What's nice is when something turns out even better than you'd hoped.

http://www.jeremylawsonphotography.com/blog.cfm

(Tell me the shots of the dogs don't make your heart smile.)

(Also, my crow's feet?  What crow's feet?)

I found Jeremy on Yelp and hired him to do my headshots because people looked like they were having fun in every single photo he took.

And when he came to my house last week, I figured out why all his clients seemed so happy.  He and his makeup artist Nika made laugh until I cried off all my eyeliner.

Point?  If you're not using Jeremy to photograph your next Chicago-based event, then you're working with the wrong guy.

Taylor, Show Me On The Doll Where The Bad Cougar Touched You

(Caveat: Yes, this is another Twilight post, and no, I'm not going to bust out the action figures.)

(Should you have already tired of my obsession, you might want to stop reading here.) 

(Also, I've gotten a lot of shit from people about digging the series, but come on!  Worldwide, Stephenie Meyer has sold EIGHTY-FIVE MILLION BOOKS.  As an author, how do I not get behind that enterprise?)

I'm finally finished with my edits, so I celebrated by seeing a New Moon matinee.  I'm fairly pressed for time the rest of the week, so I was delighted to have the opportunity to go yesterday.  Otherwise, I'd have had to wait until next week, which is fine, although there's something vaguely exciting about catching a movie at the beginning of its run. 

I got to the theater early and had plenty of time to collect my trashcan of popcorn and bucket of Cherry Coke before choosing a good seat.  (I never finish more than a third of either, yet having ample qualities of both is key.) 

As I settled into my chair, I began looking around at the rest of the crowd.  Normally weekday matinee audiences encompass all ages and sexes - there are the retirees who stop in to see a show after hitting the bookstore, college students killing time between classes, high school kids skipping class, Bally's members who just worked out so hard they're too rubber-legged to make it to the parking garage, the unemployed, and the underemployed. 

But yesterday I noticed the only people in the theater were women in their thirties and forties.

"Wow," I thought.  "Welcome to Cougar Town."

(I interrupt this New Moon post to say I just received seven pies via FedEx.  SEVEN PIES.  My friend works for FoodsAcrossAmerica.com and she's coming for Thanksgiving, so she said she'd take care of dessert... apparently for the rest of our lives.  She wasn't sure what everyone would like, so she sent one of everything.  Which is SEVEN.  Seven pies should go fairly nicely with the THIRTY-SIX pounds of wine I'm having delivered tomorrow.  Turkey?  Screw turkey, there's no room in the fridge for a bird.  Pie and wine for dinner it is!) 

(Would not be the first time.)

Ahem, ANYWAY, the second the movie started, the theater went quiet.  No, scratch that - dead silent.  I've never been in such a crowded place with so little noise.  People weren't even shifting around in their seats.  No one was pulling out cell phones to text message, nor was anyone whispering amongst themselves.  I'm talking utter, rapt, undivided attention.

Which made it all the more obvious when the entire audience gasped as Taylor Lautner removed his shirt. 

Which then made the entire audience laugh in embarrassment, and suddenly every Cougar for Cullen in that room started doing the kind of math that does not lead to any answer other than shame and possible jail time.  The great irony is when Robert Pattinson went shirtless later in the film, the audience didn't let out a peep.  You, with the pasty English belly - out of the way for the werewolf! 

I'm not writing this as a review, because despite how much I enjoyed the film, parts of it were just silly.  I mean, the CGI werewolves were supposed to be terrifying, not hilarious.  And regardless of accuracy, Jacob removing his shirt to staunch Bella's blood is only going to spur on gratuitous head wounds every time this poor kid walks in a room. 

I guess my point is if I were Pattinson, I'd be on the phone with my agent, like NOW, demanding that I have more face time in the next movie because the kid completely stole the show.  What's funny is Taylor Lautner's chemistry with Kristen Stewart was so much more palpable than hers with Pattinson, and they were actually dating at the time. 

I'm going to put the prediction out there that if Lautner continues to choose roles as well as he has, he's going to end up the biggest star of this whole enterprise.

He's got that kind of charisma.

And pecs.

I wonder how he feels about pie and wine?

(P.S.  Team Jacob!)

(P.P.S.  Team Age of Consent?)

(P.P.P.S.  Team Shame.)

New New Moon

Setting:  Our kitchen, last night.  I'm accidentally burning the steaks while Fletch goes around opening windows to let the smoke escape.

Fletch:  So, are you ready for Friday?  You have everything together?

Me:  Yeah, I guess.  I don't really know what I have to get together, though.  I think I just need to show up, right?  Maybe get some popcorn and milk duds?

Fletch:  We'll need any new receipts you have for fourth quarter.

Me:  Why the hell would I need receipts to see the very first showing of New Moon on opening day?

Fletch:  Um, Jen... you understand we're meeting with our accountant at 11:00 on Friday, yes?  We've got two hours blocked off with him.

Me:  Wait, that's this Friday?  11/20 Friday?  New Moon Friday? 

Fletch:  Yes.

Me:  NOOOO!!!!!

* * *

So apparently I'm going to be busy being an adult on Friday instead of seeing the first showing of New Moon.  

However, if you're in the same boat, fear not for I have come up with a rather elegant solution to our dilemma.  Thus I present to you New Moon... the Jennsylvania edition.  (Beware, spoilers abound.)

* * *
The Cullen Family:  "Happy eighteenth birthday, Bella!"

Bella:  "Oh, dear - I seem to have given myself a paper cut.  Wait, everyone stop trying to kill me!  It's just a flesh wound!"

Edward:  "Well, shit."

Edward:  "I cannot be with you but I will not destroy your soul."

Bella:  "Huh?"

Edwards:  "It's over.  I'm Audi 5000."

Bella:  "Just because your family tried to kill me?  Oh, please, that happens at everyone's family gatherings.  Remind me to tell you about the Swan 2006 Arbor Day Massacre.  Wait, hey, DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME, MISTER!"

Edward:  ***

Bella:  "I can't believe that motherfucker just walked away from me."

Bella:  "I'm probably going to need some elastic waist pants after this.  But I'll rally.  I'll totally rally.  I am woman, hear me roar!"

Bella:  "Yeah, I kind of didn't rally."

Jacob:  "I'm going to need Kleenex, four boxes of wine, and Meg Ryan's entire body of work on DVD, stat!"

Bella:  "Hey, Jacob... have you been working out?"

Bella:  "When I play with dangerous stuff, I can hear Edward's voice in my head, almost like he's standing behind me, surrounded by an iced tea pitcher.  Hey, you know what would kick ass?  Cliff diving."

Jacob:  "Do you see that bloodsucker saving you?  No.  It's me.  I saved you."

Bella:  "Do you suddenly feel the urge to have some soup?" 

Jacob:  "No, but here's a towel."

Jacob:  "So, let's totally live happily ever after now because, seriously?  Your old boyfriend was kind of a creepy stalker."

Bella:  "Well... okay.  You wanna play Grand Theft Auto?"

Jacob:  "Absolutely!"

Bella:  "It's not really the happily ever after I'd hoped for, but I guess it's fine."

 Victoria and Laurent:  "I'm sorry, but there are still 300 pages left in this damn book.  This ain't over."

Laurent and Victoria:  "End of the road, bitch."

Jacob:  "Run, Bella, run!"

Bella:  "I can't run!  They'll totally kill you!"

Jacob:  "Pfft."

Bella:  "I won't let you die!"

Jacob:  "Seriously, it's not an issue because I'm a..."

Jacob:  "... werewolf."

Bella:  "Cool."

 
Bella:  "Hey, Alice is back!"

Alice:  "I thought you were dead."

Bella:  "Nope."

Alice:  "You do have man-hands though."

Bella:  "Speak for yourself."

Alice:  "Oh, P.S. Edward's going to try and kill himself.  We've got to head to Italy.  I'll drive."

Alice:  "How do you feel about grand theft auto?"

Bella:  "It's my favorite game."

Alice:  "Sweet."

Bella:  "Hey, is Edward still trying to kill himself?"

Alice:  "Yep, he's meeting with the Volturi right now."

Bella:  "Who?"

Alice:  "The Italians."

Edward:  "I feel such sadness, delicious, delicious sadness."

The Volturi:  "Maybe you should take your shirt off."

Meanwhile, on the road to Volturra...

Bella:  "Ohmigod, we're going to be too late!"

Alice:  "I suddenly regret stopping to buy these snappy accessories."

Bella:  "Whew!  We're here!  Let me just dash through this fountain and save Edward."

Bella:  "Hey... s'up?"

Edward:  "Nothing... I was just fixing to take off my shirt.  And die.  But now that you're here, I shall do neither."

Bella:  "Damn."

Edward:  "Listen, the Volturi want to chat before we leave."

The Volturi:  "FYI, you kind of need to kill Bella or make her a vampire.  Your choice."

Bella:  "Which choice will get him to take his shirt off faster?"

Edward:  "Woo, that's a real puzzler.  I can't live with you but I can't live without you.  Maybe we should get the hell out of here and discuss it on the plane?"

Alice:  "Shall I bring my accessories?"

Edward:  "Naturally."

Edward:  "Will you marry me?"

Bella:  "Will you take your shirt off if I say yes?"

Edward:  "If I must."

Bella:  "Done."

Alice:  "So, yeah, I guess this worked out nicely for all involved and there are absolutely no loose ends.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have a wedding to plan.  I call maid of honor!"

Jacob:  "NOOOO!!!!"

The End

(until Eclipse and Breaking Dawn)

* * *

I guess the good news for me is that technically I can write off the action figure purchases now.

So there's that.
 

Opening Day!

The most frequent question I got while out on tour was what I thought about the new Sex and the City movie.  I guess when you start your second book with the opening line, "Carrie Bradshaw is a fucking liar," people tend to think you have a problem with the SATC franchise. 

Untrue.

I worship Candace Bushnell.  I loved the book first and then the show, and I've adored Sarah Jessica Parker since her Square Pegs days. 

(However, I'm slightly less enamored with SJP now because I heard a true story about her being rude to someone I know and it makes me mad.) 

(Also, here's some advice if you ever plan on being rich/famous/in the tabloids - BE NICE TO THE GUY DRIVING YOU.  I learned over the past few weeks of getting rides to book events that limo drivers are the new Page Six and all it takes for them to spill the dirt is sliding into their backseat wearing a conservative sundress and pearls and asking, "So, which famous people are assholes?")

(And I swear I'm not making this up, but want to guess who's universally hated?  Yep, that's night.  Rachael Ray.  Like we didn't see that coming.  And Sean Penn is super nice - I actually didn't see that coming - but apparently you can't ask him not to smoke in the car.  It's like asking him not to breathe.)

Asides aside, my one regret is that I have an event tonight and I can't get together with girlfriends, swill a bunch of cocktails, and see the movie on opening day.  Here's the thing - I can love the writing and appreciate the acting and enjoy the styling even though the reality depicted in SATC is nothing like most of our own real lives in the city.  The movie is a fantasy.  But that's just fine.  I don't really want to see a movie about fighting with neighbors and shopping at Target.  Escapism suits me nicely.

However, since the show came out and whenever groups of girls gather together, the discussion inevitably becomes, "Which character are you?"  Everyone's all, "Oh!  I'm a Charlotte because I'm a good girl!" or "I'm an attorney so I am all about Miranda!" or "I'm a Carrie because I write!"  (No one ever says, "I'm a whore so I'm a Samantha," BTW.) 

This is the part that bothers me.  I hate seeing women trying to pigeonhole themselves into one of those roles. 

Because you know what? 

There are plenty of gals out there who have healthy self-esteem and solid relationships and they don't spend all their money on $400 Manolos and waste all their energy fixating on whether or not he's going to call.  Rather, they're of the mindset that, "Of course he'll call.  Why?  Because he knows he'll be fucking lucky to have me."

These women don't trawl the town every night.  Rather, they enjoy sitting at home alone or with their partner, watching reality TV in their pajamas and good jewelry, and drinking wine.

Not every woman who appreciates the show/movie is a Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, or Samantha.

Sometimes they're a Jen.

And Since When Did "Actress" = "Pundit" Anyway?

I just unearthed this little gem in an article by Peter Allen in the UK Daily Mail:

"9/11 Attacks Made Up," Says French Best Actress Oscar-Winner

Actress Marion Cotillard sparked a political row yesterday after accusing America of fabricating the 9/11 attacks.

The 32-year-old French actress, who received an Oscar last month for her performance as singer Edith Piaf in La Vie En Rose, openly questioned the truth behind the terrorist atrocity in an interview broadcast on a French website.

"I think we're lied to about a number of things," Cotillard said, singling out the 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center as an example of the US making up horror stories for political ends.

Referring to the two passenger jets being flown into the Twin Towers, Cotillard said:

"We see other towers of the same kind being hit by planes. Are they burned? They [sic] was a tower, I believe it was in Spain, which burnt for 24 hours. It never collapsed. None of these towers collapsed. And there [in New York], in a few minutes, the whole thing collapsed."

She added that the towers, planned in the early Sixties, were an outdated "money-sucker" that would have cost more to modernise than to rebuild altogether, which is why they were destroyed.

She said: "It was a money-sucker because they were finished, it seems to me, by 1973, and to re-cable all that, to bring up-to-date all the technology and everything, it was a lot more expensive, that work, than destroying them."

The article goes on to mention how she's not really buying the whole idea of astronauts walking on the moon either. 

So, let's sum this up, shall we? 

According to Cotillard, our space program is a lie, which must mean the 1,400 different inventions that stemmed from the technology developed in our quest to get to the moon, e.g microwaves, kidney dialysis machines, CAT scans and MRIs, cordless power tools, modern athletic shoes, water purification systems, Tang, and my Tempurpedic mattress are all MYTHS, which really sucks if you want to go for a run, take a nap, build a shelf, or not die while waiting for a kidney transplant.      

And, because a starring role as Edith Piaf automatically fills you with the kind of structural engineering knowledge that allows you to absolutely determine cause and effect by simply hearing about a building collapse, we can rest assured the events of 9/11 were nothing more than an elaborate scheme to give the Twin Towers a much-needed makeover.

Wow.

Perhaps you'll consider these statements before you add any of Cotillard's movies to your Netflix queue?

UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE, OOH!

OH, HOLY SHIT, THE MOVIE THE ADVENTURES OF FORD FAIRLANE IS ON ENCORE RIGHT THIS MINUTE!

 

WITH ANDREW DICE CLAY BEFORE HE GOT ALL OLD AND CREEPY!

AND A KOALA!

AND LAUREN HOLLY IN THE ROLE SHE'D RATHER WE NEVER, EVER MENTION AGAIN, THANKS. 

GO! 

TIVO IT! 

GO! 

RUN!!

(I cannot be held responsible if you hate it.)

(Actually, I haven't seen it in fifteen years.  It's possible I may hate it now.)

(Am willing to take that chance.)

I'd Even Settle for Men in Black at This Point

Since my parents sold their house with the pool last fall, this is the first Fourth of July in years that I won't spend wallowing in the shallow end with a trashy novel and a banana daiquiri. 

Honestly?  I'm fine with that.  I'm thankful for the decades I had to enjoy the pool and I'm happy my parents moved within walking distance to their grandchildren, even if it means there's no place to wallow in their backyard now. 

(OK, fine, technically there's a lake in their backyard, but it's a non-swimming lake and please don't get me started on how you can have a lake and not be able to swim in it because it's a freaking LAKE and that's MADNESS, I tell you.) 

(Although it may have something to do with the snakes.)

Anyway, I figured I'd simply indulge in my second favorite Fourth of July tradition, which is watching Independence Day starring the divine Mr. Will Smith.  I love every single thing about this stupid movie - the stripper with the heart of gold, the ridiculous special effects, the heavy-handed environmental messages, the hilarious stereotypes, the completely implausible coincidences, etc.  But regardless of the cheese factor, and despite having viewed it no less than fifty times, I never fail to choke up when President Bill Pullman gives his big speech in front of the new civilian Air Force about today being our Independence Day. 

USA!  USA!  USA! 

And oh, beautiful for spacious skies!

For amber waves of grain!

And God bless America and...

Ahem.

So, after I unloaded the new blender and banana daiquiri fixings out of the car (see?  I improvised!) I ran to the TiVo to figure out which of the inevitable fifteen different re-broadcasts I'd watch.  I scanned the guide and was surprised to see it's only airing once, which is fine.  Once is all I needed. 

I clicked to record and only then did I notice something odd about the show's description.

It was written in Spanish.

Which means the only television station to see fit to broadcast the very best Fourth of July movie ever is Tele-freaking-mundo.

Somehow I feel like the terrorists just won.