jennsylvania

An Evening of Badassedness - UPDATED

Because I am essentially still a very lazy person, it's just now occurring to me that I should post this event information.

What:  An Evening of Badassedness.

What?:  Okay, it's technically An Evening with Jennifer Weiner and Jen Lancaster.

Really?  Jennifer Weiner?  May I Feel Free to Squeal Here?:  Absolutely, I know I did.

When:  Monday, July 26, 6:00 - 8:00 PM.

Where:  Stevenson High School's Performing Arts Center, 1 Stevenson Drive, Lincolnshire, IL.

Anything Else I Should Know?:  Yes, this is a ticketed event.  You have to either register at the Vernon Hills Public Library District website or call 847-634-3650.  And, prior to arriving at the Performing Arts Center, you must pick up your ticket for entry at the library.  (They'll be available at the Adult Services desk.)

That Sounds Like a Lot of Effort:  But it will be totally worth it for an evening of badassedness.

Too True.

Is That Everything?:  Oh, wait - books will be available for purchase on site by the Lake Forest Books.

So that's it!  Be there or be, um... whatever the opposite of badass is.

P.S.  Spellcheck just tried to change "badassedness" to "blessedness."  See?  Spellcheck knows EXACTLY how badass this is.

P.P.S.  All of which is to say CHICK LIT IS NOT DEAD.  And speaking of, the lovely ladies of chicklitisnotdead.com just posted five things you might not know about me.  Check it out!

Flabby

It figures that the minute I finally have time to sit down and write a post, I can't remember what I wanted to say.  Perhaps that's a by-product of spending the past four weeks speaking of nothing but myself? 

Seriously, as much fun as I had going to interviews and doing events this past month, if no one asks me a personal question for a while, that'll be just fine.  Also, given my recent schedule, I'm finally starting to believe that singers/starlets might not be faking it when they're treated for exhaustion.  Granted, I wasn't doing rail after rail of blow while on tour, unless by "doing coke" you mean "inhaling room service french fries," but the fatigue is similar. 

Anyway, I hate when I get out of the habit of writing because it takes such effort to get back into the swing of things.  I always tell budding authors that the best way to be a writer is to write; the ability to write is a muscle and it's got to be worked daily.  Presently my writing muscles are flabby and weak, chugging along at two point five miles an hour on a treadmill with no incline.

So what I have to offer you until I get the hang of blogging again is a photo with a little bit of back-story.

Two weeks ago I had the opportunity to appear on the Joy Behar Showas part of a pop culture panel.  Other panelists included Carson Kressley and Daisy Fuentes.  As this was my first national television appearance, pretty much my only goal was to not drop any f-bombs. 

(Yes, I was on that one huge show once but since neither my last name nor the title of my book was mentioned, it doesn't really count.  Also, I signed a very scary legal document agreeing to never write about said appearance, so if you're scratching your head right now... sorry for being cryptic.  Maisy was on with me and signed no such nondisclosure agreement, but unfortunately she has terrible handwriting - no thumbs - and thus cannot share her recollections.  If she could, she'd tell you how her mumma made the Queen of All Media laugh both hard and often, but she can't so we'll just have to move on.)

Anyway, the segment went as well as I could hope.  Joy read the entire book title and they showed a big cover graphic.  I was able to deliver a couple of profanity-free zingers and overall I was happy.  I didn't do as well as Daisy or Carson, but they're both actual celebrities with years of media training whereas I'm someone who spends most of her day with dirty hair, talking to her dogs. 

I can't describe how much I loved meeting Carson.  You know how quippy and adorable he came across on Queer Eye?  That's exactly what he was like in real life.  He was sweet and genuine and fabulous.  More importantly, he was nice to everyone in the room and now I'm a fan for life.

As for Daisy, she was friendly and pleasant, but that's not what I'll take away from having met her.  Up close, she's completely stunning.  Her skin's impeccable, her hair's a riot of chocolate and honey, and she's built like a 90s supermodel, back when they were allowed to digest.  She looks like God used an airbrush on her, buffing away any imperfections, leaving everything flawless.

We did our bit on the panel and Daisy and I made our way back to the green room.  (Carson stayed on set for another segment.)  We had a nice chat about our respective books while I craned my neck up at her, shuffling along, taking two steps to her every one.  Seriously, her legs ended approximately where my bra hits.

We got back to the green room and ran smack into Miss USA.  I guess she and Daisy have met somehow through the Miss USA organization, as Daisy's previously hosted the competition.  They laughed and hugged and immediately started taking pictures together.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm never one for self-loathing.  Aside from grousing about the occasional bout of frizzy hair or forehead crease, I'm happy with my appearance.  I'm pleased with most of what I've got going on and I never shy away from a mirror.  However, when I'm standing a foot away from Miss USA as well as the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, it's easy to forget that I rather like me.

Which is why I looked at those two and announced, "Hey!  Let's all take a picture together so I can feel really good about myself!"

And they fucking thought I was serious, so they yanked me into the shot with them.

 

"One of these things is not like the other, one of these things does not belong..."

I guess the good news is that superior physical genetics don't include the gene that detects sarcasm.

And yet somehow that doesn't make me feel better.

Anyway, I'm rusty, but I'm back, so thanks for being here!

It Begins...

Who's ready for the My Fair Lazy tour?

Not me, not me!

Wait, I mean, me!  Me!

Seriously, I'm ready.  Last week I had to travel to Dallas to give a speech and I considered it kind of a shake-down cruise.  That trip allowed me to work out the bugs in regard to what bags I wanted to pack and which clothes would travel well.  Traveling a week early reminded me to do stuff like renew my Admirals' Club membership and stock up on 3 ounce bottles and find out if my new shoes are, in fact, crippling, which... of course they are.  Why wouldn't they be?

A quick word about Dallas - I find that city utterly charming.  From the second my flight landed, people were handing me drinks and stuffing me full of phenomenal Mexican food.  As a matter of fact, my hotel had what they called a "guacomologist" on staff, and his job entailed making fresh guacamole every night for guests.  How do I not get behind this kind of place?

What I thought was so funny was one night we got on the subject of Whole Foods and I mentioned how hilarious I find it every time I see a Range Rover parked in their special "Alternative Fuel Vehicles" parking slots.  As I recounted this story, everyone at the table looked at me oddly, like they had no clue what I was talking about.  Then it finally occurred to me that oil-producing states are probably not so keen on giving priority parking to the electric car.  Noted.

Anyway, if you'd like to hear me speak about my myriad experiences with cultural misunderstandings, I'll be here on tour this week:

May 4:  Atlanta, GA

May 5:  Birmingham, AL

May 6:  Houston, TX

May 7:  Dallas, TX (home of the non-electric car)

Full details as to times and places are in my Appearances section.

I'll be sending updates from the road via Twitter!

And, most likely, hobbling through airports in hot pink driving moccasins.

Hope to see you!!

Business Then Pleasure

First, a quick reminder of where I'll be on tour starting in less than three weeks:

May 4 - Atlanta, B&N Buckhead

May 5 - Birmingham, B&N Summit Blvd

May 6 - Houston, Borders Kirby St.

May 7 - Dallas - B&N Northwest Highway

May 11 - Detroit, Borders Birmingham

May 12 - Dayton, Books & Co.

May 13 - St. Louis, Mad Art Gallery (a Left Bank Books event)

May 14 - Chicago, Borders Michigan Ave

May 18 - Philadelphia, B&N Walnut St.

May 19 - NYC, B&N Union Square

May 20 - DC, B&N 12th St. NW

May 21 - Charlotte, B&N Huntersville

May 26 - Milwaukee, Borders Fox Point

May 27 - Chicago, Borders Oakbrook

Specifics as to whens-and-wheres are posted in the Appearances section of the website.  Please note that I'd love to see you there!  I'll be in these cities talking about My Fair Lazy, but what's nice is that Pretty in Plaid will finally be out in paperback then, too, if you're just not a hardcover kind of person.  BTW, I've got TV appearances in most cities and I'll post those once we get closer to the dates. 

As everyone always has questions about signing protocol, so let me just say this - if I wrote it, I'll sign it.  Also, if you're coming to an event - and I hope you will because they're fun - wear comfortable shoes.  Some of the events will have line tickets so check with your bookstore to see if you can pick one up earlier in the day.  A lot of times gals who end up towards the back of the line will duck out for drinks instead of waiting the entire time.  I wholeheartedly support this.  Please know if we meet and I smell wine fumes, I will be jealous.  And I'll probably still be sweaty, even if I'm not drinking Chardonnay.  I'll also make sure pre-signed books are available so you don't have to wait if you don't want to. 

Some of you had questions on My Fair Lazy's Kindle availability.  Currently there are a few publishing houses renegotiating their relationship with the e-book portion (but not traditional book portion) of Amazon, which means new titles aren't yet available for pre-order.  This has everything to do with business and nothing to do with individual authors.  The expectation is that this will be resolved soon, so I'm hoping that by the time MFL comes out, you'll be able to download it.  I'll keep you posted, okay?

With that business out of the way, I have to tell you something that I've discovered.  To backtrack,  a lot of MFL has to do with getting me outside of my comfort zone.  One of my big takeaways from writing this book has been to have more of a spirit of adventure.  I tried tons of new stuff during the course of my research and I'm pleased to say that even though I'm no longer obligated to do so, I'm still trying.

A couple of months ago, Fletch and I began the process of buying a house.  The first hurdle was getting approved for a mortgage.  The mortgage broker was a huge sushi fan, so we met him at his favorite place.  Now don't get me wrong, I like sushi but I'm generally more of a California Roll kind of girl.  However, I'm even more of an I'd-like-to-finally-stop-paying-rent kind of girl, so when the broker ordered from the scary side of the menu, I didn't balk.  And I tried every single thing set in front of me, including a big wad of raw quail egg covered umami... which is sea urchin.

As it turns out, I do not love umami, but in eating it I a) proved to myself that I could handle any food challenge that I might face were I ever to make it onto the show Survivor and b) secured a mortgage.  Although we've yet to find a house to go along with the mortgage, I'm still pleased with myself for not being an enormous culinary wuss.

Then, several weeks ago, Fletch and I went out for a really great dinner.  After seeing how I looked in the new book video, I realized it was time to get my diet back in check... yet me being me, I wanted to go out with a bang so we had dinner at Charlie Trotter's.  I figured if we were going to have a food orgy anyway, we were going to do it up right.  When the waiter asked if we had any dietary allergies or concerns, we confidently told him that we were up to try anything.

Note: never tell a waiter you're up to try anything.

Our dinner was fascinating and intricately prepared and plated.  The first few courses boasted flavors and product I'd only heard about, like salsify and tile fish and umeboshi.  For you fellow reality TV addicts, you know that umeboshi is a pickled Japanese plum.  More importantly, it was almost Yaya's undoing during the commercial shoot in America's Next Top Model, Cycle Three.  And since I hated Yaya, I was extra-pleased to enjoy the very taste that almost got her eliminated.

Dinner consisted of a variety of two-bite courses.  We woofed each of them down and couldn't wait to see what was next.  We laughed and toasted and practically licked our plates.  We were content and self-congratulatory until we got to the diver sea scallop served on a bed of sauteed veal heart. 

Veal heart. 

Veal heart? 

Wait, we wondered - is eating heart even legal?  Fletch quickly ushered his scallop to the safety of the far end of his plate.  However, I felt like I couldn't leave the restaurant without at least tasting everything, so I did.

Let me just say this about veal heart - if one of the best chefs in the world can't make something palatable to me, then it probably shouldn't be eaten.  The heart wasn't as horrible as I expected, but it certainly wasn't anything I'd ever crave.  Taste-wise, it was oddly tangy and reminded me of sauerbraten and in terms of texture, kind of like a portobello mushroom. 

I took my bite and I chewed it and I swallowed it and I immediately put veal heart at the top of my Permanent Do Not Fly list.

The thing about eating veal heart is it stays with you, not so much as indigestion, at least not physical.  It was more like philosophical indigestion.  For the whole next day I was overwhelmed with feelings of guilt.  I mean, dude... I ate something's HEART.  That's just wrong.  I already have such misgivings about veal, delicious though it may be, so dining on that which pumped its very lifeblood made me feel like Cruella Deville.  I could not stop thinking about what I'd done.  So, when I started my whole new system of healthy eating the following Monday I made a leap I thought I'd never take. 

I've grounded myself from beef.

I haven't consumed one bite of red meat since March 29.  And can I be honest here?  As someone who ate beef for a good five dinners out of seven?  I don't miss it. 

To be clear, I don't believe eating beef is wrong and I wholeheartedly support the notion of the food chain.  However, I initially took my beef break because I felt guilty. But as the days passed, I realized how much healthier I was eating because I'd eliminated it from my diet.  Turns out beef is really my gateway drug.  I mean, I can't have a burger without fries.  I won't eat a filet without piling on melted bleu or goat cheese.  And every beef dish is better with a side of something au gratined. 

I'd only planned on my beef hiatus while I was getting ready for tour but the longer I'm off it, the more I realize something... there's a certain sense of smug self-satisfaction that comes from eschewing something most other people eat.  I never knew this.  I have to tell you, it feels kind of good.  Suddenly the notion of, say, being vegan or following a complicated macrobiotic diet makes sense.  I no longer want to bash into these folks with my shopping cart at Whole Foods. 

Of course, until baby back ribs cease to exist, I'll never go completely completely militant in my diet.  But at least I finally get it when other people do it.

I guess that lesson is really kind of what My Fair Lazy's all about... only it comes across with more stories about accidentally buying black tar heroin in Chinatown and less prosthelytizing.

Anyway, that's it for today and I can't wait to meet you guys in person!

Suspect This Will Answer That Whole East Coast/West Coast Question

Okay, before I post the 2010 My Fair Lazy tour cities, I want to thank you for letting me know where you wanted me to visit.  Your input was definitely considered in making these decisions and I personally read/recorded every single one of the 3,200 entries. 

In choosing tour cities, my publisher's publicity team had to consider a number of aspects, such as space, logistics, other authors' tours, regional sales, fairness, timing, etc. so when you see the following stops, please understand they weren't chosen at random.  I lobbied hard for certain places that aren't represented (Miami, Sacramento, Pittsburgh, Bergen County, I'm so sorry!) and I feel bad that I'm not returning to some places that everyone expected (Pacific Northwest.)  I wish I had more to offer than "there's always next year" but that's all I've got. 

That being said - and understanding not everyone will be happy despite our best efforts - I'm delighted to announce these dates in the following cities:

May 4 - Atlanta, B&N Buckhead

May 5 - Birmingham, Alabama, B&N Summit Boulevard

May 6 - Houston, Borders Kirby Street

May 7 - Dallas, B&N Northwest Highway

May 11 - Detroit, Borders Birmingham

May 12 - Dayton, Ohio, Books & Co.

May 13 - St. Louis, at the Mad Art Gallery, books sold by Left Bank (and yes, they'll be selling drinks!)

May 14 - Chicago, Borders Michigan Ave

May 18 - Philadelphia, B&N Walnut Street

May 19 - New York City, B&N Union Square

May 20 - DC, B &N 12th Street NW

May 21 - Charlotte, B&N Huntersville

May 26 - Milwaukee, Borders Fox Point

May 27 - Oak Brook (Chicago), Borders

As we get closer to the events, I'll post specific dates and times.  So... see you later this spring! 

(And if not, I'm really sorry!)

Leftovers

The polls are now closed. 

Thanks for your 3,234 tour city suggestions!!  I love that you guys are excited!  (However, I'm a tad less excited about counting and tabulating said results.  I suddenly wish I hadn't been too lazy to fill out the DePaul University paperwork last spring, as this is a job with UNPAID INTERN RECEIVING CLASS CREDIT written all over it.)

Anyway, this time of year is normally what I like to call The Holiday Drinking Season.  Generally I'm done with all my new-book work by Thanksgiving and I have until January to do a whole lot of nothing.  But for some reason this year I'm still busy writing and editing.  I have two more projects to complete before I can exhale, relax, and post a proper blog; I'm hoping to be done before Christmas.  Until then, I'll make due with another holiday staple - leftovers. 

Following you'll find a whole bunch of unrelated topics that I haven't had time to develop.  There's no theme to tie them together.  Plus, I don't have any kind of big finale, so chances are high I'll just end the post abruptly.  

Point? 

I'm going to stick all these thoughts in a big stuffing, mashed potato, and green bean casserole sandwich and call it lunch. 

Maybe it's not a real meal, but if you're hungry, it'll do.

* * *

A LOT OF SAP

We have a couple of big windows in the front of the house in a bumped-out section of the living room.  This spot's pretty much the perfect place to put a Christmas tree.  We didn't set it up there last year because I couldn't figure out how (read: was too lazy) to rearrange the furniture to accommodate one.  Plus, after spending so many years in apartments where trees wouldn't fit, we erred on the side of caution and bought one too small to properly fill out that space.  We ended up putting it next to the stairs, which was fine.

Little did I know that Fletch spent the entire year imagining how magnificent a larger tree would look in that spot.  So, when we went to Home Depot on Saturday, he pulled an "I insist" and dragged me over to where they kept The Big Trees.  (The "I insist" card is an immediate and irrevocable debate-ender and can only be played by either party once per quarter.)  (This is my gift to you this holiday season.  When employed judiciously, the "I insist" will increase your marital happiness ten-fold.) 

After slicing open a dozen webbed behemoths and deeming them too sparse or too dry or too lopsided, Fletch spotted a quiet giant standing outside of the fray.  Fletch snapped closed his jack-knife, regarded the looming Frasier fir, and stated, "I have a good feeling about this one." 

We paid for our purchase and overtipped a couple of kids in Carhart jackets to help Fletch hurl and secure it onto the roof of the car.  That's when we got our first real clue as to the tree's true size.  "This thing must weight 150 pounds," Fletch said.

When we got home, we (read: Fletch) somehow managed to take it off the roof and wrestle it up the front stairs.  The second Fletch got to the living room, he dropped the beast onto the rug, thus causing the entire house to shake.  This was our second clue as to what might be looming beneath the festive green webbing. 

Then it was up to me to figure out new furniture placement.  (Turns out to have been easier than anticipated.)  After everything was moved, Fletch fought the tree into the stand and then slashed open the thin threads holding in all the branches.

Remember when you were a kid and they had those little dinosaur sponges that would instantaneously swell up ten times their original size when you got them wet? 

Yes? 

Then you've got an accurate picture of what happened once the tree was released from its plastic prison.  With a resounding WHOOMP, branches flew out in all directions and I suddenly found myself in the middle of a Chevy Chase movie.  Sticky green limbs boinged into the ceiling, knocked the spring-bar-loaded sheers out of the window frames, and smashed into the glass. 

Fortunately, whomever designed this house understood the Christmas Vacation vibe the bump-out would inspire and installed in reinforced panes. 

However, I'm not taking Pella off speed-dial because of the assholes also known as my kittens.  Do you have any idea how goddamned exciting it is for a pack of feral cats to suddenly find an eleven foot tree in the middle of their habitat? 

I could practically hear the thoughts rattling around their tiny brains as they assessed Treezilla. 

Chuck:  "DIS BELONGS TO CHUCK NORRIS!" 

Odin:  "IS OUTDOORS INDOORS NAO!  MUST MAKE PEES!" 

Angus:  "OH, NOES IS MONSTER, ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK!"

They've now spent the last five days hanging out under the tree, climbing the tree, doing their best to knock the tree through what I imagine are very expensive windows, and generally beating the stuffing out of the lower branches.  I've yet to decorate it because I fear exactly how batshit-crazy they'll go once it's covered in shiny round objects.

Also, did I mention how each of the kittens is coated in a healthy dose of sap? 

The only upside is each time the kittens walk across my computer desk, they smell like gin and tonic.  From an olfactory perspective, it's almost like I'm participating in The Holiday Drinking Season.  Which is nice.

* * *

CARDED

For yet another year in a row, I'm too disorganized to send out Christmas cards.  My intentions are always good and ideas rock-solid (everyone wants a photo of a pit bull in a Santa hat and beard, yes?) but it's been a perpetual FAIL in terms of execution.

However, with all the press the Copenhagen summit has received, I'm explaining my lack of holiday greetings as an attempt to be "green."

Am kind of a hero, really. 

(Unless you count driving a 14 MPG car against me?)

* * *

COLORIZED, INDEED

I've been working my way through a list of classic, must-see films.  This weekend, Fletch and I were feeling particularly festive after buying Treezilla, so we bought the colorized DVD of Holiday Inn.  If you're unfamiliar, it's a classic film starring Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire and it's full of famous Irving Berlin music.

We'd never seen it before, thus were completely shocked at how casually racist a few scenes were.  I mean, maybe those were different times and that kind of stuff was common back then, but sweet baby Jesus, was it ever culturally appropriate to perform an ode to Abraham Lincoln in blackface?  Fletch was all, "Is it just me, or is this incredibly offensive?"

No, honey, it's not just you.  

And by the way,"White Christmas" has an entirely new meaning for me after seeing that movie. 

Thanks a lot, Irving Berlin.

* * *

Hey, wait, this whole thing had kind of a theme afterall. 

But I can still end abruptly.

Hey, Philly? I'm Talking To You

UPDATE:  Am going to close voting on Wednesday because I should have a pretty good cross-section of the most popular places by then.  Thank you!

Remember last year when I asked everyone to vote on where I should go for my book tour? 

And some cities got all complacent because I'd been there before and those residents didn't think they had to vote?  And since they didn't vote, I didn't come?

Same thing goes for this year.  We're starting to plan the tour for My Fair Lazy and we need to get an idea of which cites are most popular. 

Please do me a proper and leave a brief comment with the name of the place you'd like me to go so we can get a running count.

(And I'm sorry, we won't be able to consider any states outside the continental US, foreign countries, or "straight to Hell.")

Thanks and maybe... SEE YOU THIS MAY!