jennsylvania

Revenge of the Jens (And Possibly a Winklevoss or Two)

Here's a quick reminder of what's coming up next week!

Wednesday, June 6th from 12:30 PM - 1:45 PM

Bryant Park Reading Room, 42nd St., between 5th and 6th Ave, where you will find...

JEN AND JEN, TOGETHER AGAIN!

Please join New York Times best-selling author Jennifer Weiner and me at this event!  We'll be discussing our new books, chatting with one another, and taking questions from the audience before we autograph books.  Having done an event together before, I can assure you that hilarity will ensue. 

The event is outdoors, but in case of drizzle, there will be a tent. (I imagine it will be a large tent.)

In case it's raining toads/cats/dogs, the venue will change to The General Society of Mechanics and Tradesmen at 20 West 44th Street (between 5th & 6th Avenues.)

No tickets/purchases are required and the space will accommodate a crowd.  That being said, come early for prime viewing position or in case we need to move indoors.

See you then, I hope!

* * *

In the interim, I shall be busy obsessing about Mark Zuckerberg.

No, not about the Facebook IPO or any of the resulting fall-out.  If you're an institutional investor and you lost your shirt here, I'm really sorry, but seriously, did you learn NOTHING from the Infospace.com debacle twelve years ago?  Remember, this is back when their shares were listed at hundreds and hundreds of dollars each?  And Fletch and I were all, "Isn't that basically an internet yellow pages and, thus, doomed to fail?"  And all the arrogant little pricks I worked with tried to tell me that I was a dumbass for wasting my disposable income on a pair of Joan & David loafers instead of investments? 

Um, boys?  I wore those loafers long after Infospace's share price dropped to $2.67.  Still have them now, in fact.

Ironically, when the dot com market crashed, all these junior masters of the universe scurried off to grad school before becoming i-bankers. (Which neatly explains the Wall Street mess.)

Regardless, that's not what's currently stuck in my craw.

I'm obsessed with the notion of Zuckerberg stiffing waiters while he's on his Italian honeymoon.  Thus far, it's happened twice and the national media has been all over the story.

To backtrack, I understand that Italian serving professionals are reasonably compensated.  They don't depend on tips to make their living.  Tipping is not the social norm, at least not with Europeans.  If the service is particularly attentive or the waiter goes out of his/her way to accommodate the diner, occasionally they will receive something extra. 

I get all of that.

Zuckerberg wasn't required to leave a tip.

And yet I can't get past the notion of a man with a current net worth of FOURTEEN BILLION dollars not parting with, say, five of them, if for no reason other than to keep the press off his increasingly beleaguered ass.  I realize the rich don't stay rich by throwing their money around, but seriously, FIVE DOLLARS IS NOT GOING TO BREAK THE BANK.

Maybe I'm bothered because it's my notion to tip everyone, to the point that I embarrass myself by doing stuff like trying to slip the dental hygienist a little something extra for keeping my teeth so white.  But I've worked in tip-dependant jobs and that changed my entire worldview.  I try to always err on the side of tipping if there's ever a question. 

Plus?  There's the whole karma factor.  For example, when I'm on book tour, I'm very lucky to have my publisher cover expenses, including tips for the guys who drive me.  Without fail, I give the guys something extra because, A) it's my nature to be generous because I've had the incredible good fortune to make a living doing what I love, B), I feel happy doing so, and, C) drivers gossip. 

I know, because I gossip with them. 

So I guess my problem is this - at a time when Zuckerberg's under so much scrutiny, I can't imagine why he wouldn't give the waiter a little something for the effort.  I'm not saying he should have tipped him a Toyota Camry, but seriously?  He couldn't part with five bucks?

What Zuckerberg fails to understand - and what I believe will be his eventual downfall - is that he's now part of a public company.  He reports to a board who are reponsible to shareholders.  Facebook isn't his personal fiefdom anymore.  Regardless of how brilliant or talented he is, he's no longer Lord God Supreme of Farmville, Mafia Wars, hackathons, timeline, et al.

His actions have consequences now. 

He's accountable in a way that he never was before.

And I guarantee the newly formed Facebook board of directors is none to happy with Zuckerberg creating additional bad press on top of the massive IPO clusterfuckery, which all started on a sour note with him not even bothering to show up in New York to ring the opening bell in person.  Dude.  Not cool.

Now, Facebook, Inc. is likely going to have to employ PR professionals to quash chatter on something that could have been entirely preventable if the man had simply been willing to part with five freaking dollars.

Even though he didn't have to.

Seriously.  Five freaking dollars.  Out of fourteen billion.

I hope that somewhere the Winklevoss brothers are sitting on the sidelines with a bucket of popcorn, enjoying the show.

And, perhaps if the Winklevosses are free on Wednesday, they'll come enjoy an afternoon with the Jens in Bryant Park.

I realize that was truly the worst segue ever, but it was all I had. 

We two Jens hope to see you next week!

This One's Only for Big Girls

How do I say this politely?

Fuck you, Macy’s.

Trust me, that’s polite considering how mad I am.

To backtrack, I decided to go shopping today.  Since I was across the street looking at outdoor pillows at World Market, I decided to hit Northbrook Court as opposed to driving another ten miles to Bloomingdale’s at Old Orchard.

Normally, I don’t need to buy clothes at this time of year because I’ll have been to Atlanta on tour.  Years ago, I discovered the Macy’s at Lennox Square Mall and I was thrilled to find that instead of relegating the Plus department to a shameful little cubbyhole past the restrooms and through the employee break room, they actually devote an entire third of their retail space to Plus.  And not just shapeless, elastic waist, senior-citizen-appropriate styles, either.  I’m talking adorable, well-fitting, fashion forward pieces.

My point is that I’ve been a big fan of Macy’s for many years and I buy so much in Atlanta that I’m usually set for the better part of the year.  Except I couldn’t get there a few weeks ago due to my flight arrangements, hence today’s expedition.

Because the Plus departments are always described cryptically on the store’s directory (e.g Salon Z) (what does that stand for?  Salon Zaftig?), I wasn’t surprised that I didn’t see it listed.  So I wandered around the second floor for a while until I found a sales associate and here’s the conversation we had:

Me:  “Hi, I can’t seem to find the Plus department.”

Snotty Eastern European Sales Associate:  (with great disdain) “There is no Plus.”

Me:  “I’m sorry?”

SEESA:  “No Plus.  Macy’s don’t carry Plus no more, not since last year.”

Me:  “Wait, there are no extended sizes anywhere?”

SEESA:  (completely dismissing me) “No.  Nowhere.”

So I walked away, stunned.  How could the entire Plus department be gone across the country? 

Did America suddenly stop getting fatter? 

Because I did not get the memo.

A few angry tweets later, I found that not all Macy’s have shuttered their Plus departments and some of them (likely Atlanta) are doing a booming business.  Yet instead of the snotty Eastern European sales clerk a) directing me to other Macy’s stores, b) mentioning their online selection, or, c) not looking at me as though I were defective - or perhaps an Orca demanding a bucket of squid - she simply could not be bothered.

Let’s just say this did not make me happy.

Now I understand that the Plus department is almost always a bit of an afterthought and the best stuff is generally online.  I get that in this economy, retailers are struggling and they’re trying to maximize profits and from a pure dollars-to-dollars standpoint, the Northbrook Macy’s Plus department likely had the lowest margins, ergo, it had to go.  (FYI, I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt that this wasn’t, um, demographically motivated.)

But here’s the thing that incenses me – we fat chicks don’t exist in a bubble.  We don’t walk into Macy’s (or wheel in via electric scooter) to buy our one new muumuu for the decade before slouching off to the food court to eat our feelings. 

We’re good customers. 

We have buying power. 

Most of us (in addition to being big fat fatties) are wives or moms or aunts or grandmothers or sisters or friends or all of the above.  Not only do we like to buy pants that fit, we also shop for shoes and purses and lipstick and perfume and jewelry.  We purchase sheets and fancy towels and sectional sofas.  We come to Macy’s to pick out our china patterns and to load up our kids back on school clothes.

We’re more than just some big girl who picks up the occasional pair of stretchy pants. 

So, Macy’s, it really so fucking hard to have a couple of racks of sweaters and a few dresses accommodate us? 

Is it so mission critical to alienate us? 

I liken the Plus department to offering a beef option at a fish joint.  Like, yeah, fish is our wheelhouse and profit center, but let’s allow the carnivores a choice, too, so we don’t lose the whole dinner party. 

By closing the Plus department at Northbrook, that tells me that Macy’s thinks anyone my size is too low rent for them to even try to bother to keep my business.  That smacks of arrogance and short sightedness.  “Sorry, fatty, but we don’t need your kind here.”

Here’s the thing - Macy’s has the right to operate exactly as they see fit.  That’s their right and their choice.

Yet I also have rights and choices. 

I have the right to be any goddamn size I want and I have the choice to vote with my pocketbook.

So since Macy’s decided they don’t want my business at one of their stores, they don’t get it at ANY of their stores.

Fuck you, Macy’s.

Bloomingdale’s will be happy to take my money... even if it is covered in cupcake crumbs.

For the rest of you fashion-forward big girls out there, please share your favorite Plus stores/websites under this entry on my Facebook fan page.