With over a thousand people requesting I come to their town, one might believe my ego is raging and all this attention has given me Such A Pretty Fat Head.
This would probably be the case, were I not actually living my life.
Not buying it? Then how about I give you a quick snapshot of the past twelve hours of my day? Here goes:
6:41 AM - Been asleep for about three and a half hours because stayed up late reading. Dogs don't care because they need to go out NOW NOW NOW NUDGE NUDGE NOW NOW NOW. Note to self: no matter how much begging, never again allow dogs taste of roasted root vegetable soup. Dogs do not need high colonics. (FYI, good soup in theory, BAD SOUP IN PRACTICE.) Pull hoodie on over jammies and put on Crocs to go downstairs.
6:43 AM - As usual, pit bull has to be dragged outdoors. Pees on welcome mat at bottom of stairs and returns indoors in less than twenty seconds.
6:47 AM - Hoodie and Crocs off, back in bed.
7:07 AM - Fletch needs coffee. Apparently both hands are broken and Starbucks has ceased to exist. Pull hoodie on over jammies and put on Crocs to go downstairs to make coffee.
we flyin' first class, up in the sky
7:16 AM - Hoodie and Crocs off, back in bed.
7:26 AM - Phone rings. Ignore.
7:33 AM - Phone rings. Ignore.
7:39 AM - Phone rings. Ignore.
7:44 AM - Phone rings. Ignore.
7:45 AM - Phone rings. Someone better be bleeding. Pull hoodie on over jammies and put on Crocs to walk over to phone in office. Listen to the voice mail and discover Fletch has put in requests to Service Magic.com for junk hauling and for cleaning service, using my name... which he failed to mention last night. With his hectic red-light-running-schedule, imagine it would be easy to forget this detail.
poppin' champagne, living my life in the fast lane
7:46 AM - Hey, here's a thought - if you'd like to haul the garbage out of my basement or clean my house for a fee, maybe you shouldn't YELL at me over voice mail. (Keeping your pants on while so doing would be a bonus.)
7:47 AM - Hoodie and Crocs off, back in bed. Must lie on tiny sliver on the edge of the bed because stinky pit bull has repositioned herself horizontally and cannot be budged.
by the glamorous, oh the flossy flossy
7:55 AM - Phone rings. Ignore. Start making plans to clean house/haul junk my goddamned self.
7:59 AM - Phone rings. Ignore. Seethe.
8:08 AM - Phone rings. Ignore. Seethe. Get shoved further to the edge of the bed by pit bull and new addition of German shepherd and old, pushy, vaguely crazy gray tabby who wants to sleep on face but will be content just to walk all over it.
wear them gold and diamond rings, all them things don't mean a thing
8:12 AM - Phone rings. Jump out of bed without hoodie and Crocs to answer phone. Bark, "WHAT?" into receiver. Is Pottery Barn, calling to schedule delivery of bed frame for tomorrow. Apologize but don't have energy to explain why so cranky.
8:14 AM - Hang up. Back into bed, celebrating fact tomorrow this goddamned mattress will finally be off the floor for the first time in adult life and thus may be more difficult for animals to climb on. HA.
chaperones and limousines, shopping for expensive things
8:15 AM - Granted, am still sleeping on a mattress got for free on Craig's List, but still, happy. Baby steps.
8:21 AM - Phone rings. Consider smothering Fletch in his sleep with old, pushy, vaguely crazy gray cat this evening and then bed will be ALL MINE. Turn off ringer, insert ear plugs, go back to sleep.
9:07 AM - NUDGE NUDGE NUDGE NOW NOW NOW. Fuck it. Will just be tired today. Get out of bed, put on yesterday's sweats, hoodie, and Crocs and go downstairs to let dogs out again. Stupid soup. What kind of dogs like parsnips, anyway?? Draw drapes in living room. Notice fresh tracks in snow right under the window, meaning people STILL walking dogs on my lawn. And not little strip of grass that belongs to the city on other side of sidewalk - I mean REAL lawn. Great. Will have to set up another sting operation.
I be on the movie screens, magazines and boogie things
9:21 AM - Head down to laundry room to wash comforter. Someone threw up a shrimp tail on it last week and am just now getting around to putting it in the washer. Gross.
I'm not clean, I'm not pristine, I'm no queen, I'm no machine
9:33 AM - Mainline coffee and start logging all city visit requests on Excel spreadsheet.
10:05 AM - Phone rings. Ignore. Still logging and drinking coffee.
10:24 AM - Phone rings. Ignore. Still logging and drinking coffee..
10:39 AM - Phone rings. Ignore. Still logging and drinking coffee. Woo! Am popular.
10:56 AM - Phone rings. Ignore. Still logging and drinking coffee. Woo! Am really popular.
11:05 AM - Phone rings. Ignore. Still logging and drinking coffee. Woo! Am so damn popular!
11:06 AM - Still logging. Wait, if so popular, how come no invitations for New Year's Eve?
11:07 AM - Seriously, not one person, not one party.
11:08 AM - Granted, anyone who knows us understands we are red-light-running, canceling-plans-at-the-last-minute people and thus should not be afforded invitations. Still logging and drinking coffee.
I still go to Taco Bell, drive through, raw as hell
11:11 AM - Get email from mother, thanking me for the spa day I got her for Christmas that came in the envelope I specifically requested she not open until Christmas, what with it being her Christmas present and all. Arrggh.
No matter how many records I sell, after the show or after the Grammys, I like to go cool out with the family, sippin', reminiscin' on days when I had a Mustang
11: 31 AM - Phone stops ringing. Mostly likely because every service professional in the world has ALREADY CALLED ME TODAY.
11:34 AM - Still logging. Totally high on coffee. Could seriously use a temp. Perhaps Fletch can request one on ServiceMagic.com because you know what else I need? MORE RINGING PHONES. (Also? More coffee.)
11:39 AM - Hungry. Practically only thing to eat in the house is Colon Blow Chowder. Um... no.
I'm talking champagne wishes, caviar dreams, you deserve nothing but all the finer things
12:50 PM - Still logging. Must eat before getting ready to go to the gym. Have a PBJ on squishy white bread, glass of milk, and an orange cut into wedges.
12:59 PM - Check on comforter. Still shrimpy and doggy. Re-wash.
Lifestyles so rich and famous, Robin Leach will get jealous
1:05 PM - Friend having oral surgery today to fix a receding gum-line and can only have liquids for the next ten days. Order her a copy of Sandra Lee's memoir, figuring will certainly turn her off food for awhile.
1:10 PM - Shower and get ready for gym. Can't find any clean sports bras or workout pants, so rummage in laundry basket. Apply ample quantities of perfume and Febreeze.
Takin' trips from here to Rome, half a million for the stones, so if you ain't got no money, take yo' broke ass home
2:00 PM - Have terrible workout, fueled by only peanut butter, white bread, and gallon of coffee.
3:13 PM - Wrestle with Rottie puppy at gym. Is awesome.
3:44 PM - At UPS Store. Struggle to carry seven packages into store while three employees in UPS shirts brush past me and into front door. HATE.
4:43 PM - Drive about three miles in about an hour. HATE.
4:49 PM - Pit bull picks peanut butter jar out of garbage and begins licking.
5:08 PM - Call to check on delivery status of presents had overnighted yesterday. Talk to assclown in shipping department who tells me they will ship tonight. Get into argument over concept of "overnight" meaning over the singular course of one night and not meaning over two or more nights. No resolution. SO MUCH HATE. Also, so much licking.
5:16 PM - Talk to junk hauler who says can clean out/haul items from my basement for $150 to $300. Because is an "environmentalist" he doesn't throw stuff in landfill or drop off at charity. Rather will sell my garbage at flea market. And keep the profits for himself. Did I mention I would pay up to $300 for the privilege of him keeping/selling my stuff? Yes. Sign me up.
I've got problems up in here, I've got people in my ear, tellin' me these crazy things that I don't want to know.
5:27 PM - Logging. Have four pages of cities so far. One vote for St. Croix and two for Hawaii. Must work on fan base in tropical locales. BTW, ever heard a pit bull work a peanut butter jar for an hour?
5:28 PM - Like nails on a chalkboard. Only wetter.
5:29 PM - But not quite as offensive as sound of whining pit bull when jar taken away.
5:34 PM - Dog still licking. Self still wincing.
5:35 PM - SLURP SLURP SLURP
I've got money in the bank, and I'd really like to thank all the fans
5:48 PM - Notice Heather in Texas left comment with tallies already in hopes to bring me to Houston. NICE! Not up to me to give extra credit, but if the tour decision mine, would TOTALLY pick Houston.
5:49 PM - SLURP
5:50 PM - Courtney in Baltimore promises to give crabs if I come. Heh.
5:56 PM - SLURP SLURP
5:59 PM - Tracey says dogs outnumber kids in Seattle. Again, if it were up to me, SOLD. (Unless Seattle dogs all have peanut butter jars.)
Thank you really though, 'cause I remember yesterday when I dreamt about the days when I'd rock on MTV, that'd be really dope
6:49 PM - Finish logging.
6:50 PM - Dog not finished licking.
6:51 PM - Am suspicious peanut butter will make an unwelcome appearance.
6:52 PM - Most likely tomorrow morning. At 6:41 AM.
Damn it's been a long road and the industry is cold, I'm glad my daddy tell me so, he let his daughter know if you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home
See? Not glamorous.
(And not flossy flossy either.)