jennsylvania

Breaking Down Breaking Dawn

Well?

Have you seen Breaking Dawn yet?

Are you such a Twihard that you went to the midnight showing on Thursday?

Or are you less hardcore in that you waited until the 10:30 showing on opening day?

Perhaps you're planning to see it over the weekend or next week while you're on vacation? 

Or do you really not give a flying fig about sparkly vampires finally making amore and you saw Moneyball instead... yet you dug the New Moon and Eclipse reenactments enough that you're back for more?

Then you're in luck because I'd like to present Breaking Dawn, the Jennsylvania edition! 

This reenactment should neatly replicate my film viewing experience, except that unlike the asshole sitting behind me in the theater, I haven't brought my toddler with me.  Mostly because I don't have a toddler, but partly because even if I did, I wouldn't want them witnessing a lot of sparkly vampire sex. 

But that's just me. 

Anyway, here goes...

Bella:  "I can't believe I'm getting married!  I'm practically vomiting with excitement!  Yet I'm vaguely concerned that something could go horribly, horribly awry."

Alice:  "Except for the fact that you were previously almost offed by James, Victoria, Laurent, Riley and a bunch of newborns, Jasper on accident, a pack of horny townies, a motorcycle, a skidding panel van, a cliff dive, a cavalcade of pissed off ancient Italians, and seasonal affective depression, what could go wrong?"

Bella:  "You're totes right.  And now I'll finally get a ride in Edward's Volvo, if you know what I mean!" 

Edward:  "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy-"

Bella:  "So, that Volvo of yours... it's all warmed up, yes?"

Bella's Friends and Family:  "A toast to Bella who totally doesn't look pregnant in that dress because this isn't the kind of movie where foreshadowing is important!"

Bella's Friends and Family:  "Drink up, bitches!"

Bella's Friends and Family:  "Um, is anyone else confused by this wallpaper?"

Roger Sterling:  "Pfft.  You don't know how to drink. Your whole generation, you drink for the wrong reasons. My generation, we drink because it's good, because it feels better than unbuttoning your collar, because we deserve it. We drink because it's what men do."

Joan Holloway:  "Ooookay."

Roger:  "I'll tell you the same thing I told my daughter: if you put a penny in a jar every time you make love in the first year of marriage, and then you take a penny out of the jar every time you make love in the second year, you know what you have? A jar full of pennies."

Joan:  "Uh huh."

Roger:  "Why are we even here, Joanie?"

Joan Holloway:  "Because Mad Men isn't back until next June and we have nothing else to do?"

Roger:  "That doesn't sound right."

Joan:  "Because I'm going to teach Bella about birth control just like I did with Peggy Olson?"

Roger:  "Please."

Joan:  "Because we're trying to appeal to a more sophisticated demographic?"

Roger:  "Negatory."

Joan:  "Because Jen wants to write the cost of buying us off her taxes?"

Roger:  "There we go.  Now get me a scotch, a Lucky Strike, and an introduction to Blondie in the bikini."

Bella:  "Hey, Jacob!  You're here!  And you're wearing a shirt.  S'up with that?"

Jacob:  "I told the producers I wasn't down with showing my abs."

Bella:  "Are you familiar with the concept of 'staying in your wheelhouse'?  Those ladies ain't here for me."

Jacob:  "Whatevs.  Wanted to see you before you're all undead and stuff."

Bella:  "Not going vamp during my honeymoon."

Jacob:  "But you're still planning to ride in Edward's Volvo?"

Bella:  "Natch."

Jacob:  "You're an idiot!"

Bella:  "And you're still wearing a shirt.  Who's the idiot now?"

Edward:  "Next stop, honeymoon!"

Bella:  "This isn't what I meant when I talked about a ride in your Volvo."

Edward:  "But it's tasseled for your pleasure!"

Edward:  "Care for an awkward midnight swim?"

Bella:  "Dunno.  Does your Volvo operate underwater?"

Edward:  "So, here we are in our marriage bed.  Whoo, don't know about you but I'm wiped.  G'night!"

Bella:  "I did not wait four films for your jetlagged ass to pass out now.  Gimme the keys; we're going for a ride.  I'll drive myself if I have to."

Edward:  "OMFG!!!!!  THIS IS THE GREATEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!  WOO!  TOUCHDOWN!  HOUSTON, WE DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM!!  I'M FACEBOOKING MY STATUS TO 'IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP' RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!11!!"

Bella:  "So... how long is forever exactly?"

Jen:  "Yes.  This is the perfect time for the preschooler sitting behind me to start telling everyone she loves Elmo.  Thanks for that."

Bella:  "In totally unrelated news, I'm starving.  Must be the island air and not the spawning of an unholy demon seed in my downstairs ladybits.  I'm going to eat fifty eggs for breakfast!"

Edward:  "Whatever you say, Cool Hand Luke."

Jacob:  "You're back!  You're looking... well."

Bella:  "Guess I'm going to be a teen mom after all.  Did not see that coming."

Jacob:  "Yeah, prolly going to have to kill your baby after this.  No offense."

Bella:  "None taken.  See?  See how amenable everyone is when you take off your shirt?"

Edward:  "I've come up with a rather elegant solution to that whole 'demon seed' thing."

Bella:  "See Dead Body; Over My."

Edward:  "Okay, fine, we'll try to save the damn baby.  But what might make you feel better?  Chicken soup?  A bathrobe?  Some celebrity magazines?"

Bella:  "No."

Alice:  "How about a nice, big glass of blood?"

Bella:  "Really?  That's where your mind goes next?  Really?"

Edward:  "We'll put it in a sippy cup for you."

Bella:  "Sold!"

Alice:  "It's so weird how you look fatter and thinner."

Bella:  "I know, right?"

Alice:  "Whatcha gonna name the baby?"

Bella:  "Renesmee."

Alice:  "Ha!  No, seriously."

Bella:  "I am serious."

Alice:  "Um, hey!  Look over there!  It's an angry wolf pack!"

Angry Wolf Pack:  "Let's get ready to ruuuuuuummmmmmmbbbbbblllllle!"

Bella:  "Shit!  My water broke all over Carrie's shoes!"

Jen:  "Wrong chick flick, sweetie."

Edward:  "This scene is awful!"

Alice:  "This scene is horrifying!"

Jen:  "This scene is why you don't bring a three year old to the goddamned movies."

Jacob:  "Did anyone else notice that Bella croaked?"

Jacob:  "Bella's Audi 5000 now.  But I got the wolf pack to stand down.  So there's that."

Jacob:  "And in even more good news, it turns out that I imprinted.  So first, Imma help raise the baby... and then Imma marry her!"

Edward:  "Aces."

Bella:  "Um, hello?  Not actually dead.  But I am calling my agent because I'll be damned if I'm not hot in the next movie."

Everyone:  "Hooray!" 

Bella:  "So... yeah.  Everything worked out really well even though it was touch and go for a hot minute.  To recap, I've got the guy, the baby, the Volvo, an ass that will never sag, and Jacob learned an important lesson about what cougars like.  Looks like Alice was right and nothing that went wrong stayed wrong.  And I don't even have to worry about those pesky Italians now!  The end!"

The Italians:  "What we have here is a Situation."

FIN

Perhaps You Can't Hear Me Over The Sound Of My Eyes Rolling

The Chicago Tribune posted my new column.  You can read it here.

Let's just say this column has not been embraced by some readers who, if hurling personal insults is any indication, most likely received copies of Rules for Radicals for Christmas.  Seriously, check out the comments section; it's priceless. I love the person who says I'm an "irresponsible journalist."  That may go on my business card.

Anyway, for my fans, hope you enjoy the piece.  I had fun writing it. 

For you nay-sayers who've come here to find my email address to berate me for being stupid, naive, or simply a terrible American who in no way speaks for you, I invite you to do better.

No, really. 

Please, write your own take on this subject.

Here are the rules:

First, remember this is a humor column, not a news story.  Facts take a backseat to funny.

Make the topic of leaking classified documents both accessible and relatable to all newspaper readers both in print and online, including everyone in each demographic from soccer moms to retirees.

Personalize said topic of leaking classified documents, bringing in examples from your own life. 

Then, using creative word-play, express your thoughts in such a way that has the potential to inspire anyone who isn't completely devoid of a sense of humor to crack a smile over a plate of waffles while reading at the breakfast table. 

 

Of course, you'll want to use short sentences and please save your SAT words for Lexulous. 

  

Avoid using any profanity stronger than hell or damn, resorting to cliches, or plagiarizing The Daily Show.   

 

The narrative should include both an A concept and a B concept and both concepts should neatly tie together in the final line or paragraph. 

  

In six hundred words or less. 

 

Before doing all of the above, you'll want to have written no less than three New York Times bestsellers as you'll need to bring that audience to the column as well. 

 

Bonus points will be awarded should you work in references to the Jersey Shore or Kim Kardashian. 

 

Finally, you have one hour to write it.

 

Good luck,

 

Jen

 

If You Were Here (This Weekend)

First, the updates...

The book is DONE!  I've submitted the first draft of If You Were Here to my editor and now I've got anywhere from a few days to a couple of weeks off before I edit the second round.  I couldn't be happier with the finished product and I hope my publisher, and ultimately, you guys, agree.

This is the first time I've ever written fiction.  Um... can I tell you how much more fun it is to JUST MAKE SHIT UP?  Bad things kept happening to my main characters, yet for the first time I didn't have to actually live through any of those experiences before writing them down.  (Although this book isn't too far removed from reality as it's about two idiots from the city who buy a fixer-upper in the ultra John-Hughes-y suburbs, so... yeah.)

Also, if you missed it on Twitter last week, my new column has posted and you can read it here.

Finally, a couple of my friends came into town last weekend to help celebrate my birthday/finishing the book.  While we were taking the John Hughes tour of Lake County, Karyn was our DJ and she played something that was so awesome I can't not share it.

For a quick bit of background, I'm a little bit obsessed by late '80s/early '90s rap and I have a ton of it on my iPod.  I'm in the (very) early stages of training to run a 5K and this music motivates me to push in a way that Howard Jones and the Spice Girls could not.  I'm a huge fan of the early rap/hip hop genre, particularly Public Enemy and N.W.A.  (BTW, Fight the Power is on in a constant loop in my car.  And really, what says fighting the power more than a middle-aged ex-sorority girl driving a three-ton British SUV to Nordstrom's semi-annual sale?)

Point?  I'm predisposed to love Eazy-E (and Johnny Cash) yet I'd never heard this mashup before. 

And maybe this is something everyone's already seen/heard a million times and I'm the last horse at the finish, but it's new to me and it totally made my weekend.

Enjoy.

 

Now I'm off to go fight the power that be... at Sephora.

Yeah, I'm Going There... TEAM SNOOKI

So... apparently I'm not the only one working on a novel.

Snooki's writing a book, too, titled A Shore Thing.

The second the announcement was made, every literary blog and pop culture site exploded, mostly with speculation on whether or not Snooki has even read a book.  (According to the New York Times, she has.  Snooki's library contains Twilight and Dear John.)

Per the S & S press release, the novel will "revolve around a girl looking for love on the boardwalk - one full of big hair, dark tans, and fights galore."

In each article I've read, this is the point where everyone starts trash-talking Snooki and Simon & Schuster and bemoaning the state of publishing.

I'm not going to do that because I don't see this book as being a harbinger of the apocalypse.

Now I can understand why other writers might be upset at the notion of Snooki getting a book deal.  I mean, this is the girl who didn't know what to do with chicken once it fell on the floor.  (Hint: throw it away.)  But Snooki won't be writing A Shore Thing alone.  I don't have firsthand confirmation on this particular project, but books of this nature almost always have a ghostwriter.  Sometimes the ghostwriter does everything, sometimes they get ideas from the celebrity and flesh them out on their own, and sometimes it's a true collaboration.  My point is a skilled ghostwriter will not only be proficient in putting together a coherent narrative but also in replicating Snooki's voice so well that Snooki may not even realize she didn't write all of it.  (Oh, and by the way?  Often ghostwriters have successful literary careers outside of their celebrity books.) 

I imagine Snooki will have a lot to say in terms of characters, setting, details, etc.  If the axiom is to write what you know, then her input will be invaluable.  And Snooki's aggressive cluelessness is charming on the wildly successful Jersey Shore so her ghostwriter should be able to capture that quality and translate it onto the page. 

And where's the crime in producing a light, fun beach read, anyway? 

As for Simon & Schuster's role, they likely paid a tidy sum to get this book.  I imagine this fact makes a whole lot of serious authors want to open a vein.  However, with the sales A Shore Thing will garner, S & S is pretty much guaranteed an enviable profit.  Snooki's deal doesn't preclude an unknown author from getting a shot.  Rather, by publishing a profitable book, there will be more funds in the coffers to allow S & S to take chances on unknown writers.  A rising tide raises all boats. 

Books like Twilight and Dear John are the kind of novels that get people to read who might not normally pick up a book. 

I'll bet A Shore Thing will do the same. 

So, please, let's not be so quick to denigrate any enterprise that encourages reading... and authors getting paid.

 

A Formal Apology

It's becoming increasing evident that I need to apologize.

I've been denigrating certain people in a Situation and all those involved with the Situation have been working hard to show me the error of my ways.

In short, I was wrong.

So very wrong.

And I'm sorry.

So very sorry.

I spoke with emotion, not logic, and I ended up perceiving an entirely skewed version of said Situation. 

I thought I was right.  I was convinced of my rightness.  I was right to the point of being Right.  I was so blinded by my arrogance that I couldn't clearly see the Situation for what it was. 

And for that, I'm full of regret.

I've tried to ignore the Situation but I can't anymore.

So let me say this clearly so there's no confusion, no misinterpretation, no distortion...

The second season of Jersey Shore kicks major ass.

You see, I talked a lot of shit about the Situation, Pauly D, Snooki, and the rest when I was doing media on book tour.  I went on and on about how much I loved their whole first season, how it was lightning in a bottle, and how  that scenario could never be recreated.

I prattled on to Joy Behar about their impact on New Jersey and why Miami would never work.  I swore to Hoda and Kathie Lee that there's no way those crazy kids could maintain their total lack of self-awareness now that they're getting huge appearance fees and the President mentions them in speeches. 

My expectation was that since they're now famous they'd show up for the second season with an entourage in tow, with tiny purse dogs and personal assistants.  I thought they'd eschew shopping at Strippers 'R Us for higher line stores and that their hair would be a product of Oscar Blandi, not Dippity-Do.

Yet three episodes into the Miami season, I can see how wrong I was.  No matter what the situation (or the Situation), they're still the same old spray-tanned, muscle-shirted cluebags fist-pumping the evening away in all the Miami hotspots. 

And I love them for it.

You crazy kids, thanks so much for keeping it real and proving me wrong.

In contemplating the Jersey Shore, I'm reminded of exactly how much I love writing about this kind of stuff.  Sure, I curbed my reality television addiction somewhat during My Fair Lazy, but the notion of pop culture still occupies a special place in my heart. 

Now that I'm working on my new book about volunteering and doing charity work, I wondered if there weren't some way to fuse my love. 

Then it hit me like a dumptruck full of unicorn confetti...

I should start a pop culture web site and have all the proceeds go to promoting literacy.

So, over the next few months, I'll be working to create a charitable foundation to benefit from ad revenue/corporate sponsorship before rolling the site out late this fall.  I already have some excellent resources in place and figuring out the process will be an enlightening experience.

My plan to keep this site from becoming yet another source of recycled Hollywood gossip is that the content will be written by real published authors.  A little known fact about authors is no matter how serious the fiction is they write, they're all obsessed with pop culture.  (Case in point?  Check out the book my friend Anna David edited.) 

I anticipate being able to enlist my cadre of friends and colleagues to do the occasional guest post, as they'll be helping a worthy cause and delighting their fans with entirely different, delightfully snarky content.  Who wouldn't want to read their favorite chick lit author discuss Rock of Love or their favorite mystery writer editorialize on Lindsay Lohan's latest career move?  Plus, I bet we'd get a ton of media coverage because of those involved!

So I guess what I'm trying to say is this... pop culture is no place for amateurs.

Stay tuned.