As promised for all you '80s haters (please note the corrected apostrophe placement, thankyouverymuch), here's a list of every animal that has bitten me.
Mind you, not all of them have made tooth-on-flesh contact, but if there was at least an attempt or a nip, I'm listing it here:
dog (seven times, all in the face, yet I still try to kiss every one I meet)
cat (Quinn says they're dangerous - how did I never know this?)
mouse (started with two after a high school biology project, ended up with eleventy million, thanks to the kind of biology the class was trying to prove)
rat (high school boyfriend's pet)
hamster/gerbil (aren't they basically the same thing?)
Guinea pig (same as above, only supersize)
Not so bad, yes? Kind of typical of the bites you'd see if you really love animals and you're always trying to shove carrot sticks into their maw. But that's just the (finger)tip of the iceberg.
Moving on:
ferret
chinchilla
parrot
rabbit
Which is probably why they put all those "Do not stick your stupid fingers in the cages, you dumbass" at pet stores.
Up next, I show my rural roots. Although the bulk of these took place not in my neighborhood, but in in Petting Zoos. Which in my case they should probably call Biting Zoos:
cow
pony (OWIE)
donkey (OWIE OWIE)
horse (OWIE OWIE OWIE OWIE)
pig (only mouthed me) (heh! dirty!)
sheep
goat
llama
chicken (more of a peck, but same concept)
In terms of the great outdoors, there's:
raccoon (only a little baby, captured by another high school boyfriend)
an entire flock of seagulls (they thought my thumb was the Cheeto I was trying to feed them) (also why they post those "Do not feed the birds, you dumbass" signs)
pigeon (ditto, only with popcorn)
duck (ditto, with cracker)
goose (ditto, with breadcrust)
squirrel (ditto, with $11/pound Brazil nuts that I bought specially for him)
chipmunk (no food, he was just an asshole)
Finally, the exotic:
zebra (very similar to a horse bite)
camel (also like a horse bite, only he followed it up with a spit chaser) (I HATE CAMELS)
elephant (again, more of a mouthing thing which happened after I rode him at a very sad local circus and frankly, I don't blame him)
Also? I've never had a rabies shot. That probably explains a lot.
Coincidentally, this list encompasses every animal I've ever touched. You'd think that after the first ten bites or so I'd be content to admire them from afar, but if this website demonstrates anything, it's that I'm incapable of "learning."
My theory is that I must somehow smell delicious.
The more likely scenario is that I keep invading wild animals' personal space with my sausage fingers and it's miraculous I've not yet lost a digit.
Anyway, you Eighties-phobics can stop reading here.
For the Eighties-philes, read on.
Have you guys ever been to Demotivateus.com? That's where I found this poster:
This looks like a recent photo and my guess (hope?) is that the guy is attempting to emulate what made the '80s cool.
But Polo-man is so very wrong.
You know what made the '80s cool?
Why, rock and roll fashion paired with Flock of Seagulls hair, of course.
First up, Erin works the wing and the David Byrne-girlfriend-is-better-stop-making-sense-huge-shoulder jacket.
Little photo, BIG STYLE.
Next up, Marla (pictured on the left) shows us her swoop.
This was taken right before she was about to play her French horn while wearing Madonna gloves. Bonus points have been awarded.
Shannon does Marla one better. Not only does she sport a superfantastic swirl, but she does it WHILE DRESSED LIKE BANANARAMA!
"While dressed like Belinda Carlisle" would also have been an acceptable answer here.
So I guess I beg to differ with Demotivateus on one point... while you may be four-popped-collars cool, you'll never be Flock-of-Seagulls cool.
(And if you want to attract a flock of seagulls, bring Cheetos.)
