jennsylvania

Earth Day-Day (Which Has To Do With Seagulls Which Is Kind Of Earth Related If You Think About It)

As promised for all you '80s haters (please note the corrected apostrophe placement, thankyouverymuch), here's a list of every animal that has bitten me. 

Mind you, not all of them have made tooth-on-flesh contact, but if there was at least an attempt or a nip, I'm listing it here:

dog (seven times, all in the face, yet I still try to kiss every one I meet)

cat (Quinn says they're dangerous - how did I never know this?)

mouse (started with two after a high school biology project, ended up with eleventy million, thanks to the kind of biology the class was trying to prove)

rat (high school boyfriend's pet)

hamster/gerbil (aren't they basically the same thing?)

Guinea pig (same as above, only supersize)

Not so bad, yes?  Kind of typical of the bites you'd see if you really love animals and you're always trying to shove carrot sticks into their maw.  But that's just the (finger)tip of the iceberg. 

Moving on:

ferret

chinchilla

parrot

rabbit

Which is probably why they put all those "Do not stick your stupid fingers in the cages, you dumbass" at pet stores. 

Up next, I show my rural roots.  Although the bulk of these took place not in my neighborhood, but in in Petting Zoos.  Which in my case they should probably call Biting Zoos:

cow

pony (OWIE)

donkey (OWIE OWIE)

horse (OWIE OWIE OWIE OWIE)

pig (only mouthed me) (heh! dirty!)

sheep

goat

llama

chicken (more of a peck, but same concept) 

In terms of the great outdoors, there's:

raccoon (only a little baby, captured by another high school boyfriend)

an entire flock of seagulls (they thought my thumb was the Cheeto I was trying to feed them) (also why they post those "Do not feed the birds, you dumbass" signs)

pigeon (ditto, only with popcorn)

duck (ditto, with cracker)

goose (ditto, with breadcrust)

squirrel (ditto, with $11/pound Brazil nuts that I bought specially for him)

chipmunk (no food, he was just an asshole)

Finally, the exotic:

zebra (very similar to a horse bite)

camel (also like a horse bite, only he followed it up with a spit chaser) (I HATE CAMELS)

elephant (again, more of a mouthing thing which happened after I rode him at a very sad local circus and frankly, I don't blame him)

Also?  I've never had a rabies shot.  That probably explains a lot.

Coincidentally, this list encompasses every animal I've ever touched.  You'd think that after the first ten bites or so I'd be content to admire them from afar, but if this website demonstrates anything, it's that I'm incapable of "learning."

My theory is that I must somehow smell delicious. 

The more likely scenario is that I keep invading wild animals' personal space with my sausage fingers and it's miraculous I've not yet lost a digit.

Anyway, you Eighties-phobics can stop reading here. 

For the Eighties-philes, read on.

Have you guys ever been to Demotivateus.com?  That's where I found this poster:

This looks like a recent photo and my guess (hope?) is that the guy is attempting to emulate what made the '80s cool. 

But Polo-man is so very wrong.

You know what made the '80s cool? 

Why, rock and roll fashion paired with Flock of Seagulls hair, of course.

First up, Erin works the wing and the David Byrne-girlfriend-is-better-stop-making-sense-huge-shoulder jacket.

 

Little photo, BIG STYLE.

Next up, Marla (pictured on the left) shows us her swoop.

 

This was taken right before she was about to play her French horn while wearing Madonna gloves.  Bonus points have been awarded.

Shannon does Marla one better.  Not only does she sport a superfantastic swirl, but she does it WHILE DRESSED LIKE BANANARAMA!

"While dressed like Belinda Carlisle" would also have been an acceptable answer here.

So I guess I beg to differ with Demotivateus on one point... while you may be four-popped-collars cool, you'll never be Flock-of-Seagulls cool.

(And if you want to attract a flock of seagulls, bring Cheetos.)

It's Day Whatever I Say It Is, Alright?

A few of you have voiced your displeasure at it being all 80's all month around here, which... OK, I get it.

I don't agree, but I get it.

Not every single one of you thought the 80's were the greatest decade to exist forever and ever, amen.  If you were a toddler back then, or if hearing Duran Duran gives you flashbacks of being thirteen and getting your p-e-r-i-o-d in the middle of geography class, I can see how this month is less "celebration" and more "painful memory."

The handful of you did ask me nicely to cease and desist and I respect that.  Yeah, I write what I want, but I only have an audience as long as I write what you want, too.  So I listened.  (FYI, I deleted the responses you guys put on the website as fights in the comments section make me stabby and I do not want to have to turn this car around, missy!)  

Anyway, for those of you who aren't into it, I'm going to post something random and non-decade specific in front of the 80's entries for the rest of the month.

Today's moment of I-Love-the-Double-Oughts zen is brought to you by my BFF Stacey Ballis.  She has a message for all who voted for her in the cocktail contest.  Plus, she's going to start telling one of the funniest stories I ever heard on her spankin' new blog.  The best part is the story isn't quite over yet so there's a Truman-show "how's it going to end" quality to it which I LOVE. 

You go read and enjoy her funny stories from this decade, while I share a dirty secret with the rest of the class. 

I did something yesterday I swore I'd never do again.

The day started out normally.  Fletch and I indulged in our usual Sunday ritual of hanging out and having coffee.  We sipped and chatted until it was time for me to get ready to attend an afternoon book club.  I always pay special attention to grooming for these things so I spent an inordinate amount of time on my hair, curing and blowing and spraying the perfect style.  All my products have been personally recommended by my salon and leading fashion magazines, so I walked confidently into the inclement weather, steadfast in my belief that my 'do would do.

I went to the book club and had a lovely time.  Between driving and parking in garages, I was only exposed to the elements for approximately thirty umbrella-covered seconds, yet when I glanced in the mirror upon arriving home, I didn't see my artfully fluffed coif. 

Instead, perched upon my head, I saw the pelt of something long dead.

My product had failed me. 

How it is possible to live in an age where a satellite tells my car how to get to book club, yet I can't find a hairspray that keeps my bangs smooth?

I pondered this dilemma while re-doing my hair in bathroom mirror.  As I straightened and fretted, Fletch asked me to bring out another roll of paper towels.  I reached in the bath's storage closet and when I pulled out the towels, I knocked over a bottle of Pine Sol.  When I bent to right it, something caught my eye.

A soothingly familiar white bottle gleamed from the darkness of the closet. 

I leaned in closer and grabbed hold of what had been given to me as a joke at my 80's party in January... an aerosol can of Aqua Net. 

I examined it in the light, turning it back and forth in my hand.  I gave the crusted old nozzle a tentative push and was shocked to see its contents spray forth freely and evenly. 

Hmm. 

I pumped it again with the same results.  A solid mist formed, and interestingly enough, it didn't have that spilled-nail-polish-remover smell that used to twist my stomach.

I squirted it one more time, remembering all the good hair days Aqua Net provided before I got pretentious, calling "hair spray" product and eschewing the drug store for the salon.

I wondered, could the recent butt of all my 80's jokes still have some value?

Shading my face with my hand, I decided to find out.

I sprayed and sprayed and sprayed.

My smooth bangs stayed and stayed and stayed.

Then I went out to dinner and stood in the rain for ten minutes saying goodnight to my girlfriends.  When I got home I went directly to the mirror. 

And you know what? 

AQUA NET STILL WORKS.

So this week (and for those of you who continue to dig the 80's tribue) we're going to honor that which defined us in our... SALUTE TO SPRAYED HAIR!

 

Tiandra loses a couple of points because the sides could be wider, but gains them in length and dedication to curl.

 

Christie's 'do is an idea specimen of the proper length-to-width ratio, however this was shot in 1991 so I can only award partial credit.

In an ironic twist, Dani's hair could cut you.

And today's winner of the Aqua Net Lifetime Achievement Award...

  

Kelly!  (Laugh all you want, but personally I'd have killed for that volume back in the day.) 

Coming tomorrow (for those of you who are into it), a flock of seagulls styles.  And speaking of seagulls (for those of you who aren't into the 80's) I'm going to provide the definitive list of every animal that's ever bitten me.  (It's more extensive than you'd think.)

As for me, I've got a book club to get ready for this evening. 

I'll be using the GPS system to get there... and generous amount of Aqua Net.