jennsylvania

Breaking Down Breaking Dawn

Well?

Have you seen Breaking Dawn yet?

Are you such a Twihard that you went to the midnight showing on Thursday?

Or are you less hardcore in that you waited until the 10:30 showing on opening day?

Perhaps you're planning to see it over the weekend or next week while you're on vacation? 

Or do you really not give a flying fig about sparkly vampires finally making amore and you saw Moneyball instead... yet you dug the New Moon and Eclipse reenactments enough that you're back for more?

Then you're in luck because I'd like to present Breaking Dawn, the Jennsylvania edition! 

This reenactment should neatly replicate my film viewing experience, except that unlike the asshole sitting behind me in the theater, I haven't brought my toddler with me.  Mostly because I don't have a toddler, but partly because even if I did, I wouldn't want them witnessing a lot of sparkly vampire sex. 

But that's just me. 

Anyway, here goes...

Bella:  "I can't believe I'm getting married!  I'm practically vomiting with excitement!  Yet I'm vaguely concerned that something could go horribly, horribly awry."

Alice:  "Except for the fact that you were previously almost offed by James, Victoria, Laurent, Riley and a bunch of newborns, Jasper on accident, a pack of horny townies, a motorcycle, a skidding panel van, a cliff dive, a cavalcade of pissed off ancient Italians, and seasonal affective depression, what could go wrong?"

Bella:  "You're totes right.  And now I'll finally get a ride in Edward's Volvo, if you know what I mean!" 

Edward:  "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy-"

Bella:  "So, that Volvo of yours... it's all warmed up, yes?"

Bella's Friends and Family:  "A toast to Bella who totally doesn't look pregnant in that dress because this isn't the kind of movie where foreshadowing is important!"

Bella's Friends and Family:  "Drink up, bitches!"

Bella's Friends and Family:  "Um, is anyone else confused by this wallpaper?"

Roger Sterling:  "Pfft.  You don't know how to drink. Your whole generation, you drink for the wrong reasons. My generation, we drink because it's good, because it feels better than unbuttoning your collar, because we deserve it. We drink because it's what men do."

Joan Holloway:  "Ooookay."

Roger:  "I'll tell you the same thing I told my daughter: if you put a penny in a jar every time you make love in the first year of marriage, and then you take a penny out of the jar every time you make love in the second year, you know what you have? A jar full of pennies."

Joan:  "Uh huh."

Roger:  "Why are we even here, Joanie?"

Joan Holloway:  "Because Mad Men isn't back until next June and we have nothing else to do?"

Roger:  "That doesn't sound right."

Joan:  "Because I'm going to teach Bella about birth control just like I did with Peggy Olson?"

Roger:  "Please."

Joan:  "Because we're trying to appeal to a more sophisticated demographic?"

Roger:  "Negatory."

Joan:  "Because Jen wants to write the cost of buying us off her taxes?"

Roger:  "There we go.  Now get me a scotch, a Lucky Strike, and an introduction to Blondie in the bikini."

Bella:  "Hey, Jacob!  You're here!  And you're wearing a shirt.  S'up with that?"

Jacob:  "I told the producers I wasn't down with showing my abs."

Bella:  "Are you familiar with the concept of 'staying in your wheelhouse'?  Those ladies ain't here for me."

Jacob:  "Whatevs.  Wanted to see you before you're all undead and stuff."

Bella:  "Not going vamp during my honeymoon."

Jacob:  "But you're still planning to ride in Edward's Volvo?"

Bella:  "Natch."

Jacob:  "You're an idiot!"

Bella:  "And you're still wearing a shirt.  Who's the idiot now?"

Edward:  "Next stop, honeymoon!"

Bella:  "This isn't what I meant when I talked about a ride in your Volvo."

Edward:  "But it's tasseled for your pleasure!"

Edward:  "Care for an awkward midnight swim?"

Bella:  "Dunno.  Does your Volvo operate underwater?"

Edward:  "So, here we are in our marriage bed.  Whoo, don't know about you but I'm wiped.  G'night!"

Bella:  "I did not wait four films for your jetlagged ass to pass out now.  Gimme the keys; we're going for a ride.  I'll drive myself if I have to."

Edward:  "OMFG!!!!!  THIS IS THE GREATEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!  WOO!  TOUCHDOWN!  HOUSTON, WE DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM!!  I'M FACEBOOKING MY STATUS TO 'IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP' RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!11!!"

Bella:  "So... how long is forever exactly?"

Jen:  "Yes.  This is the perfect time for the preschooler sitting behind me to start telling everyone she loves Elmo.  Thanks for that."

Bella:  "In totally unrelated news, I'm starving.  Must be the island air and not the spawning of an unholy demon seed in my downstairs ladybits.  I'm going to eat fifty eggs for breakfast!"

Edward:  "Whatever you say, Cool Hand Luke."

Jacob:  "You're back!  You're looking... well."

Bella:  "Guess I'm going to be a teen mom after all.  Did not see that coming."

Jacob:  "Yeah, prolly going to have to kill your baby after this.  No offense."

Bella:  "None taken.  See?  See how amenable everyone is when you take off your shirt?"

Edward:  "I've come up with a rather elegant solution to that whole 'demon seed' thing."

Bella:  "See Dead Body; Over My."

Edward:  "Okay, fine, we'll try to save the damn baby.  But what might make you feel better?  Chicken soup?  A bathrobe?  Some celebrity magazines?"

Bella:  "No."

Alice:  "How about a nice, big glass of blood?"

Bella:  "Really?  That's where your mind goes next?  Really?"

Edward:  "We'll put it in a sippy cup for you."

Bella:  "Sold!"

Alice:  "It's so weird how you look fatter and thinner."

Bella:  "I know, right?"

Alice:  "Whatcha gonna name the baby?"

Bella:  "Renesmee."

Alice:  "Ha!  No, seriously."

Bella:  "I am serious."

Alice:  "Um, hey!  Look over there!  It's an angry wolf pack!"

Angry Wolf Pack:  "Let's get ready to ruuuuuuummmmmmmbbbbbblllllle!"

Bella:  "Shit!  My water broke all over Carrie's shoes!"

Jen:  "Wrong chick flick, sweetie."

Edward:  "This scene is awful!"

Alice:  "This scene is horrifying!"

Jen:  "This scene is why you don't bring a three year old to the goddamned movies."

Jacob:  "Did anyone else notice that Bella croaked?"

Jacob:  "Bella's Audi 5000 now.  But I got the wolf pack to stand down.  So there's that."

Jacob:  "And in even more good news, it turns out that I imprinted.  So first, Imma help raise the baby... and then Imma marry her!"

Edward:  "Aces."

Bella:  "Um, hello?  Not actually dead.  But I am calling my agent because I'll be damned if I'm not hot in the next movie."

Everyone:  "Hooray!" 

Bella:  "So... yeah.  Everything worked out really well even though it was touch and go for a hot minute.  To recap, I've got the guy, the baby, the Volvo, an ass that will never sag, and Jacob learned an important lesson about what cougars like.  Looks like Alice was right and nothing that went wrong stayed wrong.  And I don't even have to worry about those pesky Italians now!  The end!"

The Italians:  "What we have here is a Situation."

FIN

Team Edward, Team Jacob, Or Team Take Your Pants Off?

For those of you who wonder if I'll cover Eclipse, the answer is yes.

For those of you who wonder what that means, I'll refer you to the New Moon post. 

For those of you who've seen that post and still wonder why I'm doing this, well... let's just say it beats working for a living. 

So, without further delay, I give you Eclipse: The Jennsylvania Edition.

* * *

Bella and Edward:  Yay!  We're reunited!

Bella:  "Edward!  I totally love you in a non-platonic sense!  Let's celebrate our romance in an, ahem, traditional way, if you know what I mean."

Edward:  "Yes!  I'm absolutely on the same page!  Marriage it is!"

Bella:  "Argh.  Then can you please at least compliment me on my rack?"

Edward:  "Certainly.  Your rack is fantastic.  Are those two kinds of oregano I spy?"

Bella:  "Sigh.  In unrelated news, what up with the big pile of dead folk in Seattle, homie?"

Edward:  "I know, right?  Totes creepy."

Bella:  "My dad says it's the work of a..."

Bella:  "... cereal killer."

Alice, Edward, and Bella:  "Seriously?  We're just plastic action figures and even we can manage to look disgusted with your stupid pun, Jen."

Me:  "I'm sorry.  I had three Mai-tais at lunch today and it seemed funny to me."

Bella:  "Shouldn't we be getting back to my tortured love life?  We need to move this along if I'm ever getting the pants off that foppish Brit."

Me:  "I'm on it.  By the way, a bunch of brand new vampires killed all those guys."

Bella:  "Oh, I'm sorry - are YOU now Stephenie Meyer?  'Cause your checking account doesn't seem to think so.  Piss off."

Me:  "Okay, okay.  I'm going."

Edward:  "No!  I won't let you associate with the wolf-boy!"

Bella:  "Please?"

Edward:  "Nope."

Bella:  "Pretty please?"

Edward:  "No freaking way."

Bella:  "Pretty please with hemoglobin on top?"

Edward:  "My resolve is as immobile as my pants."

Me:  "So, Bella, he not only breaks into your room and watches you sleep but also wants to dictate who your friends are?  Oh, honey... run." 

Bella:  "Why are you still here?"

Me:  "Because the man's over a hundred years old and you're a minor!  It's not only unnatural, but it's also a crime.  Oh, and speaking of statutory rape, can you possibly suggest that Jacob take off his shirt?  Not for me.  For America."

Bella:  "ANYWAY..."

Bella:  "I feel naughty sneaking away and riding motorcycles in the woods with you Jake!  Perhaps this will make Edward so mad he'll try to, ahem, spank me."

Jacob:  "FYI, I'm totally still a werewolf.  My Dirty Dancing jean shorts automatically come off when I phase."

Bella:  "Noted.  But keep your pants on, dude, I only like you as a friend.  I think."

Jacob: "Yet millions of cougars around the world would disagree."

Jacob:  "Team Jacob!"

Edward:  "Team Edward!"

Bella:  "Team I-Would-Be-the-Meat-in-this-Sandwich-If-It-Weren't-for-the-Damn-PG-13-Rating!  Oh, wait, was that out loud?"

Alice:  "Um, hello?  Do you horndogs need me to Mapquest your way back to the plot of this thing?"

Me:  "I can help."

Alice:  "What are you, the Greek chorus?"

Me:  "No, but I don't need to be Euripides to see Victoria's behind everything.  Also, since apparently it's not important to keep main characters consistent throughout the movie franchise, please note that the actress who was playing Victoria has been replaced..."

Me:  "... by Betty Draper."

Victoria:  "My husband Don Draper would first nail Bella, then he'd smoke, then he'd pay her five thousand dollars to go away."  

Me:  "Wrong show, sweetie."

Victoria:  "Oh, right.  My bad.  I guess I'll just raise an unholy army and off the bitch myself."

 
Bella:  "She's going to kill me before I ever get your pants off."

Edward:  "Not to worry, I'll fix everything."

Bella:  "Ooh, did you get us a room?"

Edward:  "Better - I enlisted the whole wolf pack to help us."

Bella:  "Aces."

Bella:  "If I get Lyme disease out here, you're in big trouble, mister."

Edward:  "We'll mask your scent with the wolf-boy's stink.  Victoria will never find you."

Jacob:  "Stink?  The makers of Axe Body Spray for Men beg to differ."

Edward:  "Whatevs.  Now go take Bella to a cold, cold mountaintop.  And try to keep your shirt on.  You're not stealing this movie from me, too."

Jacob:  "I promise nothing."

Jacob:  "I'll keep you warm, baby."

Bella:  "Well, since we're practically in Canada, it really wouldn't count, so..."

Edward:  "Hey!  Don't mind me!  I'll just freaking risk my afterlife while you may or may not make out with a dog!"

Victoria:  "Hey!  Edward!  Checkity-check it!  It's your reflection!  And I think I saw some hair gel behind that rooster cookie jar!"

Edward:  "The only thing I love more than gazing at my tousled locks is Bella.  Say good night, Betty.  I mean, Victoria.  Damn it, you're right, Jen - it IS confusing."

Me:  "I told you so."

Edward:  "Um, hi?  Kind of busy here."

Me:  "Right.  Have at it.  Sweep the leg, Johnny!" 

Edward:  "Victory!  And now, decapitation!"

Me:  "I paid seventy-four dollars for that doll.  Let's just say we beheaded her, alrighty?"

Edward:  "You, ma'am, are no Stephenie Meyer."

Me:  "Yeah, and yet I could write you into some really shitty fan fiction, so if you want to keep your virtue pal, you'll STFU."

Edward:  "Fine.  Are we done yet?"

Me:  "Almost."

 
Edward:  "Now there's nothing standing in the way of our wedding!!"

Bella:  "Yay."

Edward:  "You realize that means I'll take my pants off."

Bella:  "YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!OMG!!!1!!PONIES!!!ELEVENTY!!!1!!1WOOOOOOO!!!!  But wait... I wonder how Jake will feel about this?"

Edward:  "He's run away, so perhaps we'll never know..."

THE END