jennsylvania

The End of an Era (Fifty Shades of Farewell)

The year was 2009.

Captain Sully proved himself a hero, healthcare reform dominated the headlines, and Hostess Twinkies abounded.

These were simpler times.  Simple, more golden-delicious, artificial cream-filled times.

(RIP, Twinkie the Kid, and all your tasty friends, too.)

Regardless, perhaps what you most remember from 2009 was when Jacob Black removed his shirt for the first time in the film New Moon, awakening an entire Cougar Nation.  And thus began the first in the series of my Twilight doll reenactments.

Why not take a stroll down Memory Lane to see how it all started?

New Moon

Eclipse

Breaking Dawn, Part One

And that brings us to today, the end of an era. 

So without further ado, I give you Breaking Dawn, Part 2.

(Here we go again.)

Bella:  "I demand a damn makeover before the next movie.  I look like a pit bull found me in a basket in a shelf and then chewed on my face.  Seriously.  Make it happen or Imma be forced to bang someone else's husband."

Edward:  "On it.  You know what always makes me feel more like a vampire?  A cocktail dress."

Bella:  "Sweet.  By the way, am I still bulimic?"

Edward:  "Nope.  You can eat all you want and never gain an ounce."

Bella:  "Than an invitation, big boy?  'Cause I'm shootin' blanks now and the baby-brewing factory is out of commission."

Edward:  "Ugh.  Turns out I repressed the memory of your relentless pursuit of climbing me like Mt. Kilimanjaro.  I'll be honest - didn't hate it when you were comatose."

Bella:  "Noted.  So, dinner it is?"

Edward:  "I know a place."

Bella:  "Always wanted to slay a cougar."

Edward:  "I'm sure they feel the same about you."

Bella:  "Alrighty, time to make the donuts.  And by donuts, I mean -"

Edward:  "I know what you mean.  But I figured you may want to meet our kid at some point?"

Bella:  "Shit.  Totes forgot about her.  Yeah, whatevs."

Bella:  "That her?"

Jacob:  "Isn't she beautiful?  Don't you luff her so much?"

Bella:  "Sure has a lot of teeth for a newborn.  She a biter?"

Jacob:  "I'm going to be here beside her for her whole life."

Bella:  "Yeah, well, it takes a village.  Yo, Eddy - time for you to, ahem, park your car in my garage."

Edward:  "I'm overwhelmed by your parental instincts.  So you didn't notice the wolf's all FBO with your baby?"

Bella:  "She's already on Facebook?  How many Likes does she have?"

Bella:  "Whoa, hold the phone, Jacob - you imprinted on her?  Welcome to Perv Town, Population: You.  I am never going to forgive you... until you take off your shirt again.  But you can babysit for now because Edsel 'n me have a date with the beast with two backs.  Sayonara."

Jen:  Anyone else find it ironic that, even though these two are doing it in real life, their love scenes feel stilted?

Bella:  "No one asked you, fatty.  Anyway, Dward- let's role-play.  Let's say I'm an innocent college girl named Ana and you can be a wealthy industrialist named Christian with a penchant for bondage."

Edward:  "Pfft.  Who'd want to read about that?"

Jen:  THANK YOU.

Bella:  "Seriously, why are you still here?  Laters!"

Meanwhile, on the other side of Forks...

Jacob:  "Had to take my shirt off to explain some shit to Bella's dad."

Bella:  "Forgiven!"

Bella:  "Tell me, Charlie, do you find it implausible that we've suddenly adopted a little girl who we're calling our 'niece'?"

Charlie:  "No more implausible than me starring on a show where the lights go out and the only explanation we're able to offer viewers is 'physics went crazy.'"

Bella:  "What's up with Revolution, anyway?  If 'physics went crazy' how come people can use steam engines?  And why is everyone always walking across the country?  What happened to all the bikes?  And the boats?  And horses and Conestoga wagons?  And how come Kim Raver's character is always swaning around in impeccable cocktail dresses?  Does dry cleaning still work?  Is J. J. Abrams just messing with everyone?"

Charlie:  "Obvs."

Bella:  "Just as I suspected."  

Charlie:  "Hey, is Jen still trying to make that wallpaper happen?"

Bella:  "Unforch, yes.  Anyhoozle, gotta take my kid, um, no, niece on a walk in the woods.  I keep forgetting I'm a mom, I mean, aunt."

Bella:  "You are one special snowflake, kid."

Renesemme:  "Backatcha, Auntie Mommy."

Bella:  "Hey, do you get the feeling that we're being watched?"

Bella:  "I think it's that Denali chick Leslie Bibb."

Renesmme:  "Don't you mean Maggie Grace?"

Bella:  "Are they not the same person?"

Renesmee:  "Negatory."

Bella:  "Huh, coulda fooled me.  Anyway, good.  Shit was getting boring around here anyway.  I hope Leslie/Maggie woefully misinterprets what you are so that we'll be forced into a showdown with the Italians."

Later, back at the house...

Bella:  "Jesus, Alice, what happened to your face?"

Jen:  Sorry, really should have stored you guys on a higher shelf.  Apparently you're delicious.

Bella:  "Well, put a hat on her, for Christ's sake.  She's squicking me out.  You still have those snappy accessories?"

Jen:  Done.

Jen:  Okay, hat secured and I made the shot all blurry, like when camera guys smear Vaseline on the lens when they film Barbara Walters.

Bella:  "Thanks.  Now piss off.  Anyway, Alice - very important question: does immortality make me look fat?  Hey, wait, Alice... where are you going?"

Alice:  "Okay, I gotta blow.  But I'll leave a note on a page from The Merchant of Venice, which is some badass foreshadowing and an enormous "bite me" to everyone who believes Stephenie Meyers isn't literary (even if she does spell her first name wrong.)  In fact, according to Meyers, 'Alice tore a page from The Merchant of Venice because the end of Breaking Dawn was going to be somewhat similar: bloodshed appears inevitable, doom approaches, and then the power is reversed and the game is won by some clever verbal strategies; no blood is shed, and the romantic pairings all have a happily ever after.'  Suck on THAT, EL James."

Bella:  "Huh, what?  I just got boredom cancer."

Alice:  "I give up on you and your inner goddess."

Bella:  "Who?"

Edward:  "Unrelated, but did you notice that Renesmee just had a rather significant growth spurt?"

Jacob:  "I sure noticed!  Schwing!  Now, who wants to sit on Uncle Boyfriend Jacob's lap?"

Bella:  "Sorry, I don't see a difference."

Edward:  "Well, never mind that - we've got to protect our kid, our big, huge, weird kid, by gathering all the vampires we know from around the world to vouch for us."

All the Vampires We Know:  "S'up bitches?"

Bella:  "S'up with you?"

All the Vampires:  "If we're going to battle the Italians, you're going to have to get into fighting shape."

Bella:  "I knew I looked fat!  Yo, Edwardo, wanna help me work out?"

Edward:  "So what you're telling me that not only is our enormous child's life on the line, but our very existence is threatened and you want to take a TV time-out to do the monkey dance?"

Bella:  "Indeed!"

Edward:  "FML."

Bella:  "With relish!"

All the Vampires:  "Um, hey, the Italians are here."

The Italians:  "Can we just say we love your wallpaper?"

Jen:  Have at them.

Bella and Edward:  "Oh, noes!  Can we talk it out?"

The Italians:  "Fraid not, son."

Bella:  "Ooh, bummer.  Then we're going to have to go Olive Garden all over your asses."

Edward:  "What does that even mean?'

Bella:  "I thought it sounded menacing."

Edward:  "Not so much."

Bella:  "For real?  Not even a little?"

Edward:  "Nope."

The Italians:  "Scusa... we gonna make-a some battle here or drink-a Lambrusco?"

Bella and Edward:  "Clearly we're going to-"

All the Vampires:  "WE'RE GOING TO NOT SPOIL THE MOVIE FOR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE."

Bella:  "Fine, have it your way.  Some shit happens.  The some more shit happens.  Then everything is back to normal shit, alright?"

Edward:  "We can't give people a hint?  Even a small one?"

All the Vampires:  "Okay, check out this massive clue."

Bella:  "What does Patrick Duffy in a shower have to do with anything?"

Jen:  If you were Cougar-aged, you'd know.

Bella:  "Whatever, grandma."

Edward:  "Let's go celebrate all's well that ends well at the beach."

Bella:  "If this doesn't end with us all skinnydipping, then you people have wasted five years of my life."

AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER

 

Credits

Victoria and Laurent played by Barbie and Fletch

The Italians played by Our Dinner

The Second Victoria played by Bryce Dallas Howard, I mean, Betty Draper

The Wolf Pack played by Loki, Loki, and Maisy

Cougar played by Chuck Norris

And finally...

Roger Sterling was played by Roger Sterling

So that's it.

The end.

All over.

(It's okay if you're a little weepy.)

This has been consistently the most fun I've ever had as a writer and I thank you for indulging me.  But now we've come to the end of the doll re-enactments.

At least until the Fifty Shades movie.

The Post Before The Post With The Dolls

This Summer:

"Breaking Dawn Part 2 comes out in November?  Meh.  Kind of over it.  Am Team Can We Please Not Cheat on Edward Cullen, Because GOD."

Early Fall:

"Plus, those two hours I spent watching Kristen Stewart in Snow White and the Huntsman are two hours I'm never getting back."

Later That Day, Early Fall:

"Seriously, that film blew goats.  Sorry, but are we really supposed to suspend our disbelief that Queen Charlize-freaking-Theron doesn't think she's hotter than a skinny-but-not-toned-twenty-something homewrecker?  She won an Oscar and made out with Jason Bateman on Arrested Development!  And she can turn her body into bats and shit.  I don't buy it that her character was self-loathing.  I'd be all 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, am I still Charlize Theron?  Yes?  AWESOMESAUCE.'  Plus, all K Stew can do is let her mouth hang open to indicate the dramatic parts.  That's not acting, that's an oral exam.  Thank you, no."

Still Later That Day, Early Fall:

"But I hold none of this foolishness against huntsman and avenger Chris Hemsworth, soon to be starring in the remake of Red Dawn.  He's dreamy.  Related note?  Thrilled that the next generation will finally understand the importance of shouting WOLVERINES for comic effect." 

Last Month:

"So the trailer for BD2 is up?  Hated Part 1, so can't imagine I'll be into Part 2."

Later That Day Last Month:

"Renesmee is still the stupidest name I ever heard.  I will have no part of promoting this enterprise going forward."

Two Weeks Ago:

"And if I go, I'm obligated to do the thing with the dolls again.  Over it."

Last Week:

"Pfft, Fletch - I'm only watching Christinia Perri's One Thousand Years video yet again because it's free.  If we don't support YouTube then it will go away and I don't want to live in a world without gratuitous cat videos.  And most of those 53 million plays are not mine.  Most of them, anyway."

Later That Day Last Week:

"I have died every day wait-ing for you/Darling don't be afraid IIIII have loved you."

Still Later That Day Last Week:

"E-ver-y breath, ev-er-y hour has come to this."

Yet Even Later That Day Last Week:

"Time has brought your heart to me/I have loved you/I'll love you for a thousand more."

The Latest Part of the Day Late Last Week:

"Shut up!  I'm only listening to this song for work!"

The Very Latest Part of the Day Late Last Week:

"I do so have a job!"

This Morning:

"Really, K Stew, naked in a pantsuit?  Really?  Fairest of them all MY FAT ASS."

Later This Morning:

"One step clooooser/One step clooooooooooooser."

Just Now:

Tomorrow:

Shame. 

And doll reenactment. 

But mostly shame.

 

 Team I Hate Myself Charlize-Theron Style

 

 

Everyone's A Critic, Especially Me

Today's one of those rare times I wished I worked in an office, primarily because of the water cooler chatter. 

I imagine this morning's been nothing but recaps of the Hunger Games and last night's episode of Mad Men and I'd desperately like to contribute to both these conversations, largely to voice my displeasure.

As for Hunger Games?  I saw the first show on Friday morning at 10:15 AM.  Aside from Fletch and me, there were sixteen other people in the theater.  (Clearly this was an instance where I was glad to not have a pesky day job.) 

Every single thing about the film was spot on - impeccably casted and acted, beautifully scored, cinematically striking, etc.  I particularly liked the shaky camera shots and thought they added tension in a clever way.  Plus, there wasn't a single wasted moment - every word, every glance, every shot added meaning.  I also appreciated how producers softened the violence for a PG-13 rating.  And, as an added bonus, not one second of the actual Games had been ruined in a trailer since the producers never released that footage prior to opening day.

Beat for beat, the film mirrored the book.  (If it hadn't, I'd have been registering my complaints on Twitter immediately, naturally.)  Everything about the movie was perfection. 

This is how you're supposed to make movies based on novels.

And yet...

I left the theater thinking, "Well, that was entertaining," instead of raving about how my socks had been knocked clean off.  Really, the fault is mine for having reread the book right before the movie.  Because I was so familiar with everything that was to happen, and because the team worked so hard to reproduce those pages, there were no surprises.  And because it was so well done, I have nothing to complain about.

First world problems, right?

I liken the experience to going to a kids' orchestra recital in anticipation of a few snatches of decent music amidst the noise and instead hearing a Yo-Yo Ma performance. 

Like, wow, that was actually a lot better than it needed to be.

Anyway, as for last night's episode of Mad Men?  I'm not sure what I was-

"Excuse me, but what the FUCK was THAT?"

I'm sorry, Betty Draper, what did you say?

"I asked what the fuck was up with last night's episode?"

You weren't in love with it either?  Like, you waited a year and a half for that?

"Fo' sho'.  I mean, where the hell was I?  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm, like, integral and shit.  Other than one shot of the back of my head in next week's coming attractions, I was a frigging vapor trail."

I hear you were out on maternity leave and won't be back for a couple of episodes. 

"I call bullshit on that."

Well, perhaps you should have better planned your unplanned pregnancy. 

"Eat me."

Or willingly engaged in those old time TV tricks like carrying a beach ball around, or maybe a big purse.

"Seriously, I will cut you."

I know, I know... you'll dismiss me like so many Carlas.  But maybe you should tell me specifically what you didn't care for.

"For starters, not a huge fan of the trophy wife.  Bitch be t-a-c-k-y, amirite or amirite?"

She seems to make Don happy.

"Exactly!  He's not supposed to be happy.  He's supposed to be mopey and miserable and catting around with whores and elementary school teachers to fill the hole in his soul. He's supposed to be overwrought with the guilt of having to keep such a big secret.  But now?  He's making our children eggs and pancakes.  WTF?  Do you know the amount of Daddy issues I had to generate to keep him down?  GOD.  It's like all of my hard work was for nothing."

Noted.  What else?

"How about Worst. Birthday. Present. Ever.  Zou Bi-frigging-sou?  That song is going to haunt my dreams.  I mean, I'll be sitting here thinking about Shakespeare and shit and all of a sudden, 'Zou bisou bisou.'  I'm going to need a shotgun to get that earworm out of my head."

I thought it was kind of-

Megan: "ZOU BISOU BISOU, ZOU BISOU BISOU."

But what about-

Megan: "ZOU BISOU BISOU, ZOU BISOU BISOU."

But did you like-

Megan: "ZOU BISOU BISOU, ZOU BISOU BISOU."

Okay, okay, you made your point.

"Right?  If shame had a sound, it would be this."

Fine.  What else bugged you?

"This."

"Why did we recast Bobby again?  He's the drummer in Spinal Tap at this point.  It's not like I give a crap about him personally, but still, a little consistency would be nice.  The new one is all stringy and ropey.  He looks like Iggy Pop."

Perhaps this Bobby will have a 'lust for life,' heh. 

"My offer to cut you still stands."

But you have to admit it was nice to see Roger and Miss Joan again, right?

"Pfft.  Saw her tits on the internet and now I'll never be able to look her in the face again.  But she did put the boob job rumors to bed, I'll give her that."

What'd you think of the baby storyline?

"Is everyone in that office mentally incapacitated?  OF COURSE it's Roger's baby.  For crying out loud, he has Roger's HAT."

Any other thoughts?

"Did THIS really need to happen?"

Yeah, that was awkward.  My takeaway was that foundation garments have really improved since the '60s.

"I call the whole scene Fifty Shades of Matthew Weiner Can Kiss My Ass."

Any other thoughts as to where the show could go this season?

"More Pete, more Roger, more Sally, more Mr. Cooper, more brilliant monologues, give Peggy some Midol, and Don needs to bring the Unhappy back."

And you'd like to see more of the Dream Team, right?

"Duh, of course."

What if the rumors are true and Miss Joan and Don finally hook up this season?

"Then I will personally murder the shark we just jumped."

I agree.  Hey, is there any chance we can see your new baby?

"My one true love."

Very funny, Betty.  Seriously, can we see the kid?

"Okay, lemme just-"

Megan: "ZOU BISOU BISOU, ZOU BISOU BISOU."

"Aw, screw it.  See you next week.  OR ELSE."

Breaking Down Breaking Dawn

Well?

Have you seen Breaking Dawn yet?

Are you such a Twihard that you went to the midnight showing on Thursday?

Or are you less hardcore in that you waited until the 10:30 showing on opening day?

Perhaps you're planning to see it over the weekend or next week while you're on vacation? 

Or do you really not give a flying fig about sparkly vampires finally making amore and you saw Moneyball instead... yet you dug the New Moon and Eclipse reenactments enough that you're back for more?

Then you're in luck because I'd like to present Breaking Dawn, the Jennsylvania edition! 

This reenactment should neatly replicate my film viewing experience, except that unlike the asshole sitting behind me in the theater, I haven't brought my toddler with me.  Mostly because I don't have a toddler, but partly because even if I did, I wouldn't want them witnessing a lot of sparkly vampire sex. 

But that's just me. 

Anyway, here goes...

Bella:  "I can't believe I'm getting married!  I'm practically vomiting with excitement!  Yet I'm vaguely concerned that something could go horribly, horribly awry."

Alice:  "Except for the fact that you were previously almost offed by James, Victoria, Laurent, Riley and a bunch of newborns, Jasper on accident, a pack of horny townies, a motorcycle, a skidding panel van, a cliff dive, a cavalcade of pissed off ancient Italians, and seasonal affective depression, what could go wrong?"

Bella:  "You're totes right.  And now I'll finally get a ride in Edward's Volvo, if you know what I mean!" 

Edward:  "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy-"

Bella:  "So, that Volvo of yours... it's all warmed up, yes?"

Bella's Friends and Family:  "A toast to Bella who totally doesn't look pregnant in that dress because this isn't the kind of movie where foreshadowing is important!"

Bella's Friends and Family:  "Drink up, bitches!"

Bella's Friends and Family:  "Um, is anyone else confused by this wallpaper?"

Roger Sterling:  "Pfft.  You don't know how to drink. Your whole generation, you drink for the wrong reasons. My generation, we drink because it's good, because it feels better than unbuttoning your collar, because we deserve it. We drink because it's what men do."

Joan Holloway:  "Ooookay."

Roger:  "I'll tell you the same thing I told my daughter: if you put a penny in a jar every time you make love in the first year of marriage, and then you take a penny out of the jar every time you make love in the second year, you know what you have? A jar full of pennies."

Joan:  "Uh huh."

Roger:  "Why are we even here, Joanie?"

Joan Holloway:  "Because Mad Men isn't back until next June and we have nothing else to do?"

Roger:  "That doesn't sound right."

Joan:  "Because I'm going to teach Bella about birth control just like I did with Peggy Olson?"

Roger:  "Please."

Joan:  "Because we're trying to appeal to a more sophisticated demographic?"

Roger:  "Negatory."

Joan:  "Because Jen wants to write the cost of buying us off her taxes?"

Roger:  "There we go.  Now get me a scotch, a Lucky Strike, and an introduction to Blondie in the bikini."

Bella:  "Hey, Jacob!  You're here!  And you're wearing a shirt.  S'up with that?"

Jacob:  "I told the producers I wasn't down with showing my abs."

Bella:  "Are you familiar with the concept of 'staying in your wheelhouse'?  Those ladies ain't here for me."

Jacob:  "Whatevs.  Wanted to see you before you're all undead and stuff."

Bella:  "Not going vamp during my honeymoon."

Jacob:  "But you're still planning to ride in Edward's Volvo?"

Bella:  "Natch."

Jacob:  "You're an idiot!"

Bella:  "And you're still wearing a shirt.  Who's the idiot now?"

Edward:  "Next stop, honeymoon!"

Bella:  "This isn't what I meant when I talked about a ride in your Volvo."

Edward:  "But it's tasseled for your pleasure!"

Edward:  "Care for an awkward midnight swim?"

Bella:  "Dunno.  Does your Volvo operate underwater?"

Edward:  "So, here we are in our marriage bed.  Whoo, don't know about you but I'm wiped.  G'night!"

Bella:  "I did not wait four films for your jetlagged ass to pass out now.  Gimme the keys; we're going for a ride.  I'll drive myself if I have to."

Edward:  "OMFG!!!!!  THIS IS THE GREATEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!  WOO!  TOUCHDOWN!  HOUSTON, WE DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM!!  I'M FACEBOOKING MY STATUS TO 'IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP' RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!11!!"

Bella:  "So... how long is forever exactly?"

Jen:  "Yes.  This is the perfect time for the preschooler sitting behind me to start telling everyone she loves Elmo.  Thanks for that."

Bella:  "In totally unrelated news, I'm starving.  Must be the island air and not the spawning of an unholy demon seed in my downstairs ladybits.  I'm going to eat fifty eggs for breakfast!"

Edward:  "Whatever you say, Cool Hand Luke."

Jacob:  "You're back!  You're looking... well."

Bella:  "Guess I'm going to be a teen mom after all.  Did not see that coming."

Jacob:  "Yeah, prolly going to have to kill your baby after this.  No offense."

Bella:  "None taken.  See?  See how amenable everyone is when you take off your shirt?"

Edward:  "I've come up with a rather elegant solution to that whole 'demon seed' thing."

Bella:  "See Dead Body; Over My."

Edward:  "Okay, fine, we'll try to save the damn baby.  But what might make you feel better?  Chicken soup?  A bathrobe?  Some celebrity magazines?"

Bella:  "No."

Alice:  "How about a nice, big glass of blood?"

Bella:  "Really?  That's where your mind goes next?  Really?"

Edward:  "We'll put it in a sippy cup for you."

Bella:  "Sold!"

Alice:  "It's so weird how you look fatter and thinner."

Bella:  "I know, right?"

Alice:  "Whatcha gonna name the baby?"

Bella:  "Renesmee."

Alice:  "Ha!  No, seriously."

Bella:  "I am serious."

Alice:  "Um, hey!  Look over there!  It's an angry wolf pack!"

Angry Wolf Pack:  "Let's get ready to ruuuuuuummmmmmmbbbbbblllllle!"

Bella:  "Shit!  My water broke all over Carrie's shoes!"

Jen:  "Wrong chick flick, sweetie."

Edward:  "This scene is awful!"

Alice:  "This scene is horrifying!"

Jen:  "This scene is why you don't bring a three year old to the goddamned movies."

Jacob:  "Did anyone else notice that Bella croaked?"

Jacob:  "Bella's Audi 5000 now.  But I got the wolf pack to stand down.  So there's that."

Jacob:  "And in even more good news, it turns out that I imprinted.  So first, Imma help raise the baby... and then Imma marry her!"

Edward:  "Aces."

Bella:  "Um, hello?  Not actually dead.  But I am calling my agent because I'll be damned if I'm not hot in the next movie."

Everyone:  "Hooray!" 

Bella:  "So... yeah.  Everything worked out really well even though it was touch and go for a hot minute.  To recap, I've got the guy, the baby, the Volvo, an ass that will never sag, and Jacob learned an important lesson about what cougars like.  Looks like Alice was right and nothing that went wrong stayed wrong.  And I don't even have to worry about those pesky Italians now!  The end!"

The Italians:  "What we have here is a Situation."

FIN

Team Edward, Team Jacob, Or Team Take Your Pants Off?

For those of you who wonder if I'll cover Eclipse, the answer is yes.

For those of you who wonder what that means, I'll refer you to the New Moon post. 

For those of you who've seen that post and still wonder why I'm doing this, well... let's just say it beats working for a living. 

So, without further delay, I give you Eclipse: The Jennsylvania Edition.

* * *

Bella and Edward:  Yay!  We're reunited!

Bella:  "Edward!  I totally love you in a non-platonic sense!  Let's celebrate our romance in an, ahem, traditional way, if you know what I mean."

Edward:  "Yes!  I'm absolutely on the same page!  Marriage it is!"

Bella:  "Argh.  Then can you please at least compliment me on my rack?"

Edward:  "Certainly.  Your rack is fantastic.  Are those two kinds of oregano I spy?"

Bella:  "Sigh.  In unrelated news, what up with the big pile of dead folk in Seattle, homie?"

Edward:  "I know, right?  Totes creepy."

Bella:  "My dad says it's the work of a..."

Bella:  "... cereal killer."

Alice, Edward, and Bella:  "Seriously?  We're just plastic action figures and even we can manage to look disgusted with your stupid pun, Jen."

Me:  "I'm sorry.  I had three Mai-tais at lunch today and it seemed funny to me."

Bella:  "Shouldn't we be getting back to my tortured love life?  We need to move this along if I'm ever getting the pants off that foppish Brit."

Me:  "I'm on it.  By the way, a bunch of brand new vampires killed all those guys."

Bella:  "Oh, I'm sorry - are YOU now Stephenie Meyer?  'Cause your checking account doesn't seem to think so.  Piss off."

Me:  "Okay, okay.  I'm going."

Edward:  "No!  I won't let you associate with the wolf-boy!"

Bella:  "Please?"

Edward:  "Nope."

Bella:  "Pretty please?"

Edward:  "No freaking way."

Bella:  "Pretty please with hemoglobin on top?"

Edward:  "My resolve is as immobile as my pants."

Me:  "So, Bella, he not only breaks into your room and watches you sleep but also wants to dictate who your friends are?  Oh, honey... run." 

Bella:  "Why are you still here?"

Me:  "Because the man's over a hundred years old and you're a minor!  It's not only unnatural, but it's also a crime.  Oh, and speaking of statutory rape, can you possibly suggest that Jacob take off his shirt?  Not for me.  For America."

Bella:  "ANYWAY..."

Bella:  "I feel naughty sneaking away and riding motorcycles in the woods with you Jake!  Perhaps this will make Edward so mad he'll try to, ahem, spank me."

Jacob:  "FYI, I'm totally still a werewolf.  My Dirty Dancing jean shorts automatically come off when I phase."

Bella:  "Noted.  But keep your pants on, dude, I only like you as a friend.  I think."

Jacob: "Yet millions of cougars around the world would disagree."

Jacob:  "Team Jacob!"

Edward:  "Team Edward!"

Bella:  "Team I-Would-Be-the-Meat-in-this-Sandwich-If-It-Weren't-for-the-Damn-PG-13-Rating!  Oh, wait, was that out loud?"

Alice:  "Um, hello?  Do you horndogs need me to Mapquest your way back to the plot of this thing?"

Me:  "I can help."

Alice:  "What are you, the Greek chorus?"

Me:  "No, but I don't need to be Euripides to see Victoria's behind everything.  Also, since apparently it's not important to keep main characters consistent throughout the movie franchise, please note that the actress who was playing Victoria has been replaced..."

Me:  "... by Betty Draper."

Victoria:  "My husband Don Draper would first nail Bella, then he'd smoke, then he'd pay her five thousand dollars to go away."  

Me:  "Wrong show, sweetie."

Victoria:  "Oh, right.  My bad.  I guess I'll just raise an unholy army and off the bitch myself."

 
Bella:  "She's going to kill me before I ever get your pants off."

Edward:  "Not to worry, I'll fix everything."

Bella:  "Ooh, did you get us a room?"

Edward:  "Better - I enlisted the whole wolf pack to help us."

Bella:  "Aces."

Bella:  "If I get Lyme disease out here, you're in big trouble, mister."

Edward:  "We'll mask your scent with the wolf-boy's stink.  Victoria will never find you."

Jacob:  "Stink?  The makers of Axe Body Spray for Men beg to differ."

Edward:  "Whatevs.  Now go take Bella to a cold, cold mountaintop.  And try to keep your shirt on.  You're not stealing this movie from me, too."

Jacob:  "I promise nothing."

Jacob:  "I'll keep you warm, baby."

Bella:  "Well, since we're practically in Canada, it really wouldn't count, so..."

Edward:  "Hey!  Don't mind me!  I'll just freaking risk my afterlife while you may or may not make out with a dog!"

Victoria:  "Hey!  Edward!  Checkity-check it!  It's your reflection!  And I think I saw some hair gel behind that rooster cookie jar!"

Edward:  "The only thing I love more than gazing at my tousled locks is Bella.  Say good night, Betty.  I mean, Victoria.  Damn it, you're right, Jen - it IS confusing."

Me:  "I told you so."

Edward:  "Um, hi?  Kind of busy here."

Me:  "Right.  Have at it.  Sweep the leg, Johnny!" 

Edward:  "Victory!  And now, decapitation!"

Me:  "I paid seventy-four dollars for that doll.  Let's just say we beheaded her, alrighty?"

Edward:  "You, ma'am, are no Stephenie Meyer."

Me:  "Yeah, and yet I could write you into some really shitty fan fiction, so if you want to keep your virtue pal, you'll STFU."

Edward:  "Fine.  Are we done yet?"

Me:  "Almost."

 
Edward:  "Now there's nothing standing in the way of our wedding!!"

Bella:  "Yay."

Edward:  "You realize that means I'll take my pants off."

Bella:  "YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!OMG!!!1!!PONIES!!!ELEVENTY!!!1!!1WOOOOOOO!!!!  But wait... I wonder how Jake will feel about this?"

Edward:  "He's run away, so perhaps we'll never know..."

THE END