jennsylvania

I'm Back! (Until Tomorrow)

Setting:  The front hallway, right off the living room.  My giant suitcase is open and I'm sorting its contents into piles before I take it back upstairs to re-pack for Boston.  Fletch sits catty-corner in the living room watching me work.

Him:  What's that big stack of colored paper?

Me:  These are gift bags.  Check out some of the presents people brought to my readings!  (use Vanna White-type skills to lift and display items such as engraved bookmarks, gourmet caramels, hand-crafted mugs, Target dog, etc.) 

Him:  Wow.

Me:  I know, right?  How cool is that?  I'm just glad people actually come to these things.  Presents are totally a bonus.

Him:  (points) What kind of wine did you get?

Me:  (gestures to the bottles) These are all Chardonnay.

Him:  But I thought you only drank German wine.

Me:  No, honey.  That's you who doesn't drink Chardonnay.  I like anything white.  Plus, I'm always writing about "sweating Chardonnay" because it sounds funnier than "sweating Riesling" so I imagine that's why people chose what they did.  Also?  You should have seen all the cupcakes I got!  One girl made me Margarita flavored ones and they were about the best thing I've ever tasted.

Him:  Oh.

(long pause)

Him:  (looking thoughtful) Hey, you know what you should do?

Me:  What's that, honey?

Him:  Before you go to Boston, instead of saying you like wine and cupcakes, you should tell everyone you like bourbon and five dollar bills.

* * *

Speaking of Boston, don't forget I'll be at the Borders on 511 Boylston St. at 6:00 PM on Wednesday, June 25!

(No bourbon or five dollar bills required.)

Deets for Upcoming Events

EDITED TO ADD:  The B&N address for the Carmel event doesn't come up on Google maps, although it's fine on Mapquest.  The shopping center is called Greyhound Pass and it's at US 31 and 146th Street, which should make sense to anyone local.  If you're not local, the store's number is 317-844-2501 if you need help finding it.

(Also, they're giving out tickets starting at 5:00 PM for a place in line for the signing after the reading.  I might be there early if for no reason other than to spy on what happens when an unsuspecting store clerk attempts to give my father a ticket to have me sign his book.)

* * *

Following are the specifics for the rest of my scheduled events. 

No word yet if a Round Three of cites will be added to the list later in the summer, but I did hear yesterday that I made the New York Times list for the third week running (#14!) so anything's possible.

* * *

Friday, May 30 - Indianapolis/Carmel

Barnes & Noble

14709 US Highway 31 North

Carmel, IN

7:00 PM

* * *

Saturday, June 7 - Printer's Row Panel Discussion with Stephanie Klein and Stacey Ballis

University Center Park/Fountain Room

525 South State Street

Chicago, IL 

1:30 PM

* * *

Tuesday, June 17 - Phoenix

Barnes & Noble

21001 N. Tatum Blvd.

Phoenix, AZ

7:00 PM

* * *

Wednesday, June 18 - Denver/Highlands Ranch

Tattered Cover

9315 Dorchester Street

Highlands Ranch, CO 

7:30 PM

* * *

Thursday, June 19 - Minneapolis/Roseville

Borders Books & Music

Rosedale Center

Roseville, MN

7:00 PM

* * *

Wednesday, June 25 - Boston

Borders Books & Music

511 Boylston Street

Boston, MA

6:00 PM

* * *

However, I really need to finish my fourth book which is due at the end of the summer, so this is most likely it for tour cities this year. 

Hope you can make it!

The Never-Ending Tour

Here are the cities and dates for the final leg of the SAPF tour:

June 17 - Phoenix

June 18 - Denver

June 19 - Minneapolis

June 25 - Boston

I'll post the what-time-and-where specifics when I get them. 

If your city is on the list, see how hard I fought for you?  (Seriously, Boston and Minneapolis, you'd better represent or I will be in beeeg trouble.) 

And if not, well, I'm told this is the end of the tour for SAPF, but if the book stays on the lists, then who knows?  (BTW, the Carolinas, Nashville, Milwaukee, St. Louis, southern California, and central Florida?  You're all at the top of my list.)

See you soon!

SFO Deux

I am sitting in the lobby of my hotel waiting for my Tarot card reading. (I heart you, Hotel Monaco.)

If the card reader predicts my hair will look bad at my event tonight because I wasted valuable getting-ready time waiting for a reading, SHE WILL BE RIGHT.

SFO

Just arrived in San Francisco and saw a palm tree and it made my heart smile. Have been overwhelmed with the beauty of the west coast.

Illinois? You suck.

In the Car...

... On the way to the Seattle event. I just passed some porno theater and they're showing a double feature - Indiana Moans and also The Temple of Poon.

I find this extraordinarily funny.

OK, Now I Can Tell You

I'm on my BlackBerry so I don't have the time to be coy. Here's the news straight up:

Such a Pretty Fat just hit the USA Today bestseller list

AND

SAPF debuts at number 20 on the New York Times bestseller list in next Sunday's paper

AND

Fletch just gave himself food poisoning, this time by eating old lamb tips.

(Two of these events are a shock. Try to guess which one isn't.)

I Got Yer Updates Right Here

THANKS

First, thanks to everyone who's come out to see me on the road. I feel honored to have met each one of you! I have so little patience when it comes to waiting, I wouldn't have stood in line to meet a reincarnated Ronald Reagan.  So, the fact anyone waited for me just blows me away, especially since every one of you charmed me.  (And some of you touched my heart with your thoughtfulness and your stories.  Y'all know who you are, so give yourselves a hug.)  Anyway, thank you again!

THIS WEEK

I'm sorry for not posting more on the road.  I'd planned to but my BlackBerry deiced to stop recognizing Typepad for some reason at the beginning of last week.  I'm going to have Fletch take a look at it before I head back out today.  By the way, I will be in the following places this week:

Portland
Monday/May 19
7:30pm
Powell’s
1005 W. Burnside
Portland, OR 97209

Seattle (Lake Forest Park)
Tuesday/May 20
7:00pm
Third Place Books
17171 Bothell Way NE
Lake Forest Park, WA  98155

San Francisco
Wednesday/May 21
7:30 pm
Books Inc. in the Marina
2251 Chestnut Street
San Francisco, CA  94123

Oakland
Thursday/May 22
7:00pm
Good Great Place for Books
6120 LaSalle Avenue
Oakland, CA 94611

Hope to see you there!  (No need to warn me about potential bad weather for I have brought it with me to very goddamned city.  I'm not just talking rain - I'm saying tornadoes and flooding and sinkholes.  Aargh.)  (And yes, I'm sorry about your biblical weather and all, but what really pisses me off is my hair has yet to look good at an event.)

OR A DICKEY MIGHT WORK IF IT'S TOO HOT OUT

Speaking of events, I'm learning a little something with every one I do.  For example, did you know that when you wear a dress that didn't look NEARLY so low-cut on the internet and you sit down to, oh, say sign books or something, that every single photograph you will see of yourself later that night will show a big chunk of your black bra?  And did you know even if you buy the double-stick boob tape to hold your dress closed, if you peel it back even once to re-adjust, it will come undone, not only showing a generous swath of underwear but also large, mangled sticky bits of tape and this will happen when you're shaking the hand of all the important people at your publisher's office?  And then if you buy stronger tape, it will be too strong, and when you peel it off, you'll take an entire layer of skin with it, leaving you with enormous tape hickeys?  I have one word for you people:  TURTLENECKS.

Can't wait to show you all my scabs when the book tour re-convenes in mid-June!  (New cities to be announced soon-ish.)

MY LACK OF SELF CONTROL, LET ME SHOW IT TO YOU 

Here's another a quick road story. A while back I wrote a post on cupcakes and I got more feedback from it THAN ANYTHING ELSE I HAVE EVER WRITTEN IN THE FIVE YEARS I'VE HAD A WEBSITE.  Seriously, our nation is never going to be on the same page for issues like gun control, welfare, the economy, the environment, etc.  We're never going to come to terms on tastes great or less filling and hybrids vs. Hummers and there will always be Yankees fans and Red Sox fans, never the 'tween shall meet.  Fortunately, all it takes for us to be of one mind is some sugar, butter, and flour.

Because of this, a number of you in cities with great bakeries, e.g. New York and Dallas, wrote and offered to bring treats to my events and I was all, "Hells yeah, cupcakes!"  But after my enthusiastic response, I began to think about it.  I mean, for God's sake, I'm neurotic to the point of mentally ill when it comes to issues like "safety" and "cleanliness."  Were I not temporarily made insane by the idea of a box of treats with my name on it, I'd have never agreed.  I asked myself, "Really?  You're going to eat food from a stranger?  Really?  No."

I received my first box of cupcakes and cookies in New York. 

Um... guess what?

Apparently I totally WILL eat food from a stranger.

In Dallas I received more treats and I took them back to my room, quickly woofing them all down. 

Then I threw up in the sink. 

The items were fine (delicious actually!) and there was no foul play.  I'm pretty sure barfing was just God's way of saying, "You're on the road to promote a book about getting healthy - next time, have a dinner consisting of a salad and lean protein instead of three cupcakes and two glasses of wine, you dumbass."

WANTED:  ONE NEMESIS.  INQUIRE WITHIN.

What else happened while I was gone?  Oh, yeah, I lost my damn nemesis.  For some background - competition is what always spurs me on to achievement.  Because I'm a jerk who can't motivate herself without bringing hate into the equation, I always pick a person who's achieved what I want and then I watch and emulate her every move, all the while despising her with the fire of 10,000 angry (immature) suns. 

Unfortunately, it turns out the object of my wrath is actually really fucking nice and now I need a new arch rival. 

I know, I know, I'm disappointed in myself, too.  What can I say?  A sincere hug is totally my Kryptonite.

While I figure out who to hate next, you should buy my ex-nemesis new book because it's one of the reasons Such a Pretty Fat exists.  Go pre-order it now.  I will wait.

APRES TOUR, LE DELUGE

Finally, it's nice to know that no matter what happens with this new book, nothing in my life is going to change.  Case in point, I was in the middle of getting some big news on Wednesday (will tell you as soon as I get the official OK) and while I was leaping and cheering and fielding three calls, I got the following urgent text from Fletch:

"One of the cats threw up on the cleaning lady's shoe.  How much tip should I give her?  I cleaned it up, but that's just rude (and gross.)"

Yes. 

Welcome to my world. 

You can come on in... but I'd suggest you leave your shoes on.

Broadcast News

Tom Grunnick:  "What do you do when your real life exceeds your dreams?"

Aaron Altman:  "Keep it to yourself."

"Or maybe put it on your blog." 

(Also, our faces were not blurry in person.) 

(And one of is batshit, bugfuck, ham-sandwich crazy and it isn't me.) 

(And yes, I mean that in the best possible sense, and no, Carrie Bradshaw cannot even attempt to hold a candle to the giant, magnetic personality of her alter ego Candace Bushnell.  If you don't have Sirius satellite service, you should get it because she is ridiculously entertaining.) 

(And did I mention she has a new book coming out this fall?  Woo!)

* * *

Anyway, Week One is over and it was great!  (I don't need no stinking sleep!)  Big, big thanks to all of you who came out!  I have many stories and I would tell them now except I'm about to pass out at the computer so they'll have to wait a bit.  (Am sorry.  Am EXHAUSTED.) 

Don't forget, this week is all about DC, Atlanta, Dallas, Austin, and Cincinnati!  Specifics of when and where are in the Appearances link.

Now, I'm not promising anything - and it's not up to me - but there's been chatter about extending the tour.  Keeping in mind Minneapolis and Boston are first on my personal priority list, where else should they send me?  I mean, other than straight to hell?

Or straight to bed. 

Which is where I'm going now.