jennsylvania

Is Leaving...

... in an hour for the airport.  I'm headed to New York.

If so inclined, set your DVRs for the 10:00 hour of Today tomorrow where I'll be appearing as a reality television show expert with Kathie Lee and Hoda.  Please keep in mind that my being on is contingent on weather, breaking news, rolling blackouts, etc.

But if all the pieces come together, I'll be there.  Wearing Lacoste.  (And not drinking wine.)

For the record, if my witty banter and expansive knowledge of All Things Real Housewives doesn't land me a spot on one of those damn VH1 specials, then I give up.

(And if I come back with bedbugs, all bets are off.)

Neither Team Jacob Nor Team Edward

Every week I meet my friends Stacey, Tracey, and Gina for lunch.  We always make each other laugh, so lunch is perpetually a festive occasion.  But sometimes the topic turns to television and pop culture and when this happens, Tracey gets a little lost. 

Tracey's not opposed to watching TV, but she's always been more of a sports-and-news (and brown liquor) kind of gal.  Slowly we're bringing her around and she's starting to get it when we, say, quote Sue Sylvester or mention last night's Real Housewives. 

I like to take some credit for this because  I gave her a pop culture survivor gift bag on her birthday, full of handy reference material like People magazine and the first season of Glee on DVD.  One of the items enclosed was the Twilight movie.

I've been all over her to watch Twilight, but for whatever reason, it took her a while to get to it.  That's possibly because most adults don't rearrange their schedules so they can watch a teenage vampire flick just to satisfy me.  

Anyway, for no reason other than this making me laugh, here's the original text from our email exchange yesterday.

Tracey:  Forgot to tell you at lunch that I watched Twilight finally the other night...and New Moon via NetFlix should be waiting for me at home to watch tonight...

Me:  See?  SEE?  Good stuff.

Tracey:  Edward's lips are too red...the bad make-up is distracting...  I, of course, liked the boring cop Dad with the Magnum PI mustache. ;)

Me:  You're possibly the first person in the world to be TEAM BELLA'S DAD.  I may have to tweet this.

Tracey:  He likes steak and cherry cobbler! Ain't nuthin' wrong with that!

I still giggle every time I read this.

What Tracey doesn't know is she's about to get schooled on the first season of Mad Men. 

I suspect someone's about to change her alliance to TEAM DON DRAPER.

"I'll bring the brown liquor."

P.S.  For the rest of you, Mad Men is getting the Eclipse treatment as soon as my Roger Sterling doll comes off backorder.

2010 (By Way Of 1962)

The very best summation of the new year comes from my friend Caprice Crane via Twitter on January 1st:

"So Chris Cornell tweeted that Soundgarden's getting back together.  There.  One day of 2010 kicked all of 2009's ass."

By the way, if you're local, Caprice is doing a reading/signing here in a couple of weeks!  She'll be at The Book Cellar on Saturday, January 16th at 7:00 PM.  She'll be talking about her book Family Affair, a funny, funny story about a divorcee suing for custody of her in-laws.  Love it, love her, and I'll be there in the front row swilling cocktails if you care to join.

Anyway, hope everyone had a terrific holiday!  (I'm speculating you're all lousy with resolutions if the empty bagged-salad shelves at Whole Foods are any indication.)  (And although I hate resolutions, good for you!  Enjoy your radicchio!)

Fletch was home for ten days - which is always fun - but we didn't go all crazy-holiday-drinking-season this year as he's still not 100% after surgery.  (He had his turbinates removed.)  (In theory, this is supposed to eliminate snoring.)  (Thus far, it's simply opened his nasal passages enough to really get some weight behind the sound.)

Because we weren't up for a bunch of parties and festive goings-on, we gave each other enjoy-at-home gifts like books and games.  For the past few years, everyone's been up our collective asses about not watching Mad Men, so I got Fletch the first season on disc.

Here's a quick FYI - if you've been told to curtail your drinking and smoking while you recover from nasal surgery, Mad Men is not the best show to watch.  I've never seen so goddammned much smoking in my life and that includes one awful night in my waitressing career when I had a table of twenty Japanese businessmen who'd light their next butt with the ember of the previous one.  The '60s must have smelled like one enormous ashtray.  Plus, it slays me how they smoked EVERYWHERE - at their desks, in meetings, while they're chewing, at the grocery store, in the elevator, and my favorite, right as they're going to sleep.  (I guess mattresses weren't flammable back then?)

And the drinking?  I'm no stranger to a glass of wine (or bottle of gin), but I wanted to check myself into Betty Ford just for having watched.  There's no point where the ad men aren't swilling something alcoholic, including the scene where the partners have to fire Joel Murray for drinking too much which they do while drinking before heading out for a night of more drinks.  I can't imagine how anyone got any business done back then.  I bet people who work in HR have to watch with their hands over their eyes. 

After the first few episodes, I decided I pretty much hated this show.  I mean, yes, the acting is top notch, the writing superb, and the set design/style beyond perfection, but I found myself thoroughly disliking every character.  I despised all the adultery and the blatant -isms (sex, race, etc.) and the quiet desperation of every character.  And whenever I finally began to feel empathy towards someone, they'd do something else contemptible.  Yet I spent thirty dollars on a Blue-Ray disc, so I was committed to finishing the season.

Long story short, in a week we worked our way through 26 episodes and the third season's loaded up on my iPod.  And I still hate everything about the show, but somehow I can't stop watching.  I've become fascinated by the stories and invested in all their lives, contemptible though they may be. 

The thing is, after spending a week immersed in a different decade, their differences seem less foreign.  Not everything about that period was terrible and unenlightened. 

Maybe despite all that decade's faults, I'd benefit from emulating their attention to social niceties. 

Maybe mid-century modern style isn't quite as hideous as I previously thought. 

And maybe, just maybe Brylcreem's due for a comeback. 

I'm pretty sure Fletch feels the same way, judging from last night's post on his Facebook page:

"Just finished watching two seasons of Mad Men. When I go back to work on Monday, I'm wearing a suit, bringing a bottle of scotch, and smoking in my cubicle. Jen has been instructed to pick me up by noon after I am inevitably fired."

So far he's good, but hey, they day's not over yet.

And the year has just begun.

I can't wait to see where 2010 takes us all.

(But hopefully it's to The Book Cellar on January 16th.)

And Yes, I Believe I CAN Fly

"Did you watch Mad Men this week?" Stacey asks.

"Actually, I don't watch it at all," I reply, taking a big swig of my Turkish coffee which is so thick I can practically chew it.  I've put away most of the pot and am down to the ultra-concentrated layer of sludge at the bottom. 

(If you're unfamiliar, this is the kind of coffee that coffee would drink for breakfast.  Imagine Cuban coffee on crack which is like regular coffee on crack so essentially Turkish coffee is coffee to the second power.  You could use it for jet fuel.) 

(Actually, drink enough and you wouldn't even need a plane to take flight.) 

"How can that be?  It's the best written, acted, directed, and styled show on television!"

"Well, I've got a bunch of other stuff on the TiVo..."

"Too busy watching For the Love of Ray J. to make time to see it?"

"No, shut up, I didn't even watch that.  Much.  But, hey, the good news is I'm not involved with Megan Wants a Millionaire any more."

"The what?"

"It's a show about this big blonde gold digger named Megan who got her start on reality TV by winning Beauty and Geek which is a show where nerds and cute girls have to learn to work together and she had kind of a nice change of heart on the show but as soon as she went on Rock of Love she turned into a huge bitch again and then when she didn't win that, she went on the first season of I Love Money and then, I'd have to check to confirm this, but I'm pretty sure she was on the second season of I Love Money 2 which she didn't win either, but the producers loved her so they gave her a show where she could date a bunch of millionaires because her ultimate goal is to be a trophy wife but VH1 had to pull it because one of the finalists was that guy all over the news last week for killing his swimsuit model wife and the worst part - other than the horrible murder, of course - is that they're probably not event going to run I Love Money 3 so I guess what I'm saying is my television watching schedule just freed itself up a bit.  Maybe I'll give it a shot."

There's a long, pregnant pause at the table before Stacey replies.  "Two things; first, do yourself a favor and watch Mad Men.  Second, do yourself another favor and STOP DRINKING THAT COFFEE."

Yes, That Was Me (And Maisy!)

In case you were wondering.

(If I were allowed to blog about it, I would.)

(And if you think I did a good job or would like to see me more, maybe you should let them know?)

Previously on Bravo (Night)

Last week on Project Runway night:

"...I have trouble watching her on 90210 because she was so evil on Nip/Tuck.  Like, profoundly evil.  And perpetually, persistently wicked.  You'd see her do something so horrible one week that you couldn't believe she could top it, and yet she did, week after week.  I see her now and remember how vicious her character was.  She was so depraved that it colors everything else I see her in going forward.  I keep waiting for her to stab someone on that show," Stacey says.  "Do you understand what I mean?"

"Yeah... I get it.  Like Jason Bateman," I reply.

Stacey looks puzzled.  "When was Michael Bluth ever evil?" 

"Oh, no.  Ha!  I mean like Patrick Bateman."

"Who?"

"Patrick Bateman, you know, American Psycho?  Um, what's his name.  You know.  Patrick Bateman."

"I'm sorry, I don't know who you mean.  I've never seen the movie."

"You know him.  What's his name?  Um, Patrick Bateman.  Patrick Bateman.  Patrick Bateman!  You know.  Patrick Bateman!"

She shakes her head. "No, I don't know.  Does repeating it over and over again and shouting seem to help you remember?"

"Yes, and come on.  You know this guy.  Patrick Bateman?  Or," I snap my fingers, "Batman."  (pause)  "Batman."  (pause)  "Batman."  (pause)  "Come on, help me out; I can't think of his name.  Batman."  (pause)  "Patrick Bateman Batman.  Bateman Batman.  BATMAN!  BATMAN!"

"Adam West?"

"Too old!"

"Michael Keaton?  George Clooney?"

"BATMAN!"

"Val Kilmer?"

"NO, BATMAN!  NOT OLD BATMAN, NEW BATMAN!  BATMAN, YOU KNOW, PUNCHED HIS MOTHER, TABLOID, BLOND HAIR, BATMAN, SKINNY FOR THE MACHINIST, YOU KNOW, BATMAN!  BATMAN!!  BATMAN!!!"

She's a bit shell-shocked after my outburst.  I notice she's moved all the way to the end of the couch and her back is kind of pressed up against the wall and her eyes are wide.  Slowly, she asks, "You mean Christian Bale?"

"Yes.  Batman.  Christian Bale.  Anyway, what were you saying about the 90210 girl?"

* * *

And this week on Project Runway night, all is forgiven. 

As an added bonus, we take a Top Chef field trip to a tasting night at Chalkboard.

"For the love of God, Stephanie, don't mention Batman."

Get On The Bus!

I just found this while procrastinating in the TV/Film/Radio Jobs section on Craigslist. 

Tell me this isn't the best trashy TV news you've heard in a while.

* * *   

VH1 and BRET MICHAELS will hit the road literally…to find true love on the… “ROCK OF LOVE BUS with BRET MICHAELS”

VH1 is loading up a tour bus filled with beautiful babes and taking them on tour across the country. The Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels takes contestants out of the mansion and on the road in true rock star style. This season will feature all new ladies vying for Bret’s affection while traveling across America following Bret on a month-long tour. The contestants will face new challenges to see if they can handle the rock star life on the road! If you are a sexy single lady looking for love who can party like a rock star, then this is the show for you! Ladies must be ages 21 and up.

TO BE CONSIDERED, EMAIL THE FOLLOWING INFO TO YOUR CLOSEST AUDITION CITY:

1. Your Name
2. Age
3. What city you would like to audition in
4. Best phone #
5. Little about yourself and why you would be good for Bret
6. And be sure to ATTACH A FEW RECENT PICS of yourself AND webpage/myspace url

Aug. 1 – 10 CHICAGO (IL): ChicagoRock @RealTalentCasting.com
Aug. 11 – 18 CINCINNATI (OH): OhioRock @RealTaentCasting.com

Location:  Chicago only

Compensation:  $100/day   

 

* * *   

 

Bret Michaels?   

 

Bus? 

   

Contestants willing to trade their dignity for $100/day? 

 

Kudos, VH1, you've done it again!

This Clip Has Nothing to Do with Anything...

... except that it's from Kids in the Hall, a Canadian sketch comedy show from the '90s.  This program is responsible for helping form a decent sized chunk of my sense of humor.  (I also credit the Conan years of The Simpsons, early Family Guy, and Mike Judge's entire repertoire, FYI.)

Anyway, following is my favorite KITH short EVER. 

Enjoy!

 

What's Worse Is I'll Probably Watch It

From Reuters:

A Los Angeles company is touting a new reality game show called "Who Wants to Marry a U.S. Citizen" that aims to create televised matrimony between legal citizens and immigrants who have temporary visas.

The show's backers at Morusa Media hope to make a sort of love match between reality TV and a national obsession with immigration. But the producers make no promise that a marriage will occur or lead to U.S. citizenship.

Show creator Adrian Martinez said that Morusa Media has not yet found a network to produce or air the show, but he is currently in talks with one cable TV network and already has signed up contestants for six episodes.

"It's this generation's 'Dating Game,' but with a twist -- it aims to show love knows no borders," Martinez told Reuters.

So, um, maybe it is time to end the writers' strike...

Lazy Is Not the New Black

Setting:  My house, upstairs, three weeks ago.  I'm sprawled on the guest bed talking to Susie Sunshine and freaking out over my looming deadline.

Susie:  Oh, stop panicking.  You're always done on time. 

Me:  (sigh) I guess.

Susie:  Don't give me this 'I guess' shit.  You meet your deadlines and you know it. 

Me:  (another sigh) I guess.

Susie:  So, once you finish the book, then what?  Are you going on vacation?  Starting a fourth book?  Working on the screenplay you told me about?  What are your plans?

Me:  When I finally finish, I am going to watch SO MUCH TV! 

Susie:  (long, awkward pause)

* * * * *

If I knew how to do a screen capture (or weren't too lazy to find out) I'd post a shot of my Netflix queue which is nothing but the complete seasons of Survivor, Grey's Anatomy, Entourage, Weeds, etc. 

I know, I know.  SHAMEFUL... especially with the fall season already beginning!  I've got the new listings printed out and have highlighted everything I want to see; it's an ocean of fluorescent yellow. 

(Note to Biggest Loser fans:  OMG, Jillian's back!  "Beatings, beatings, beatings, and more beatings!"  Woo!)  (I've already mentioned the shame, yes?)

Anyway, I finished the first draft of the new book on Friday and this weekend, Fletch and I drove around looking at places we'd like to live next year as we've decided to stay in Chicago.  We found an area we love and I'd like to say we're buying a house there except they're outside our budget. 

(Note:  Also, just because we say we're going to buy a house doesn't imply any bank/mortgage broker will agree.  Thanks a bunch for the new interest rates, defaulters!)

As we strolled past all sorts of lovely, appropriate homesteads, I felt bad because we can't afford what I want.  And then it struck me like a load of granite counter tops.  I only work about three months a year because I am lazy.

Lazy = working one quarter per year.

Work = money.

More work = more money.

More money = home ownership (and probably a yard without rats.)

You guys know where this is heading, right?  (If you don't, here's a hint - it's not to the couch to watch Richard Hatch run around bare-assed nekkid.) 

So here's my question - what do you guys want to read next?  Some of you've already suggested I have children and document that experience, to which I respectfully reply I would rather live outdoors with the rats. 

Since the third book is a complete narrative like Bitter, I'm kicking around the idea of another book of humor in essay form, like Bright Lights.  I've got a bunch of stories from childhood on up and I'm considering using them in a funny prequel to Bitter.

What say you?

While you're thinking, here's something else I've been doing in my downtime:

Hey, at least I'm not watching TV.

A Little Duck Told Me...

Just read on DuckyDoesTv that my BFF Veronica Mars (also known as 'Kristen Bell') has joined the cast of Heroes.

Say it with me, people... SQUEEE!

(And in book deadline news, I've got 70K+ words written so everything's humming along as it should.)

Taking a Quick Break from the Manuscript to Say...

According to the Daily Media News Feed on Media Bistro:

DREW CAREY NAMED NEW PRICE IS RIGHT HOST

"Carey announced that he will replace Bob Barker as the host of The Price is Right during Monday's taping of the Late Show with David Letterman. Speculation about Carey assuming the sought-after spot had been building since his appearance last week at the CBS portion of the Television Critics Association tour to promote the upcoming prime time game show he is hosting, Power of 10."

As long as he still insists we spay and neuter our pets and otherwise leaves the show as-is, I'm pleased with this choice.

(And THANK GOD it wasn't Rosie.  Bob Barker would never toss a Koosh ball.)

(And, no, that's not a euphamism.)

(Because a Koosh ball is a TOY.)

(Yet I'll still get emails accusing me of hate speech.)

(Many, many presumptive, stupid emails.)

(OK, back to work now.)