jennsylvania

Oxy-MORON

There's no other way of saying it... sometimes I'm just a dumbass.

The background here is I recently made a major professional decision - I left the literary agency I've been with since 2003.  (We had a great run and I have nothing but good things to say about them, yet it was time for a change.) 

Because it's really disrespectful to seek other representation while still under contract - kind of like finding a new spouse while still married to the old one - I'm currently a free agent. 

Right now I should be contacting writer friends/editors to find out who might share my artistic vision. I should be scanning deals in Publisher's Marketplace to see which agents represent authors I admire.  I should be placing the finishing touches on my new memoir proposal so said agent has something to sell right out of the gate.  And I should be booking a trip to New York to take meetings.

"Should" is the operative word here.

What I have been doing is playing this free game I downloaded on my iPad.

"Free" is also an operative word because I'm pathologically opposed to forking over $1.99 for an app (except for Still Tasty which is essentially an online keep-my-dumb-ass-from-getting-food-poisoning-again program.)  I like to say that the ghost of Steve Jobs does not need my dollar.

(Too soon for Steve Jobs jokes?)

Anyway, instead of doing my professional due diligence, I've been lost in the world of an iPad children's game because clearly locating the hidden wine glass, baguette, and hamster is more important than finding an agent to take my career to the next level.

I know, right?  And yet that isn't even the stupid part.

The stupid part is that in my fervor to unlock the hidden room more quickly, I may or may not have kept clicking the cheater button to BUY various game aids.  And, if the iTunes receipt Fletch received in his inbox is to be believed, I... kind of spent sixty dollars. 

In a day. 

On gremlin-killing geld and elf-slaying diamonds.

Despite my arguments that this is a FREE game, Fletch is now threatening to cancel my corporate credit card and slap a parental lock on my iPad if I can't stop being a dumbass.

Which I plan to do right now...

...because the game's magical Christmas tree won't spit out a new present for another three hours and sixteen minutes.

Fortunately, I've made a career out of being a dumbass. 

So there's that.

 

 

Breaking Down Breaking Dawn

Well?

Have you seen Breaking Dawn yet?

Are you such a Twihard that you went to the midnight showing on Thursday?

Or are you less hardcore in that you waited until the 10:30 showing on opening day?

Perhaps you're planning to see it over the weekend or next week while you're on vacation? 

Or do you really not give a flying fig about sparkly vampires finally making amore and you saw Moneyball instead... yet you dug the New Moon and Eclipse reenactments enough that you're back for more?

Then you're in luck because I'd like to present Breaking Dawn, the Jennsylvania edition! 

This reenactment should neatly replicate my film viewing experience, except that unlike the asshole sitting behind me in the theater, I haven't brought my toddler with me.  Mostly because I don't have a toddler, but partly because even if I did, I wouldn't want them witnessing a lot of sparkly vampire sex. 

But that's just me. 

Anyway, here goes...

Bella:  "I can't believe I'm getting married!  I'm practically vomiting with excitement!  Yet I'm vaguely concerned that something could go horribly, horribly awry."

Alice:  "Except for the fact that you were previously almost offed by James, Victoria, Laurent, Riley and a bunch of newborns, Jasper on accident, a pack of horny townies, a motorcycle, a skidding panel van, a cliff dive, a cavalcade of pissed off ancient Italians, and seasonal affective depression, what could go wrong?"

Bella:  "You're totes right.  And now I'll finally get a ride in Edward's Volvo, if you know what I mean!" 

Edward:  "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy-"

Bella:  "So, that Volvo of yours... it's all warmed up, yes?"

Bella's Friends and Family:  "A toast to Bella who totally doesn't look pregnant in that dress because this isn't the kind of movie where foreshadowing is important!"

Bella's Friends and Family:  "Drink up, bitches!"

Bella's Friends and Family:  "Um, is anyone else confused by this wallpaper?"

Roger Sterling:  "Pfft.  You don't know how to drink. Your whole generation, you drink for the wrong reasons. My generation, we drink because it's good, because it feels better than unbuttoning your collar, because we deserve it. We drink because it's what men do."

Joan Holloway:  "Ooookay."

Roger:  "I'll tell you the same thing I told my daughter: if you put a penny in a jar every time you make love in the first year of marriage, and then you take a penny out of the jar every time you make love in the second year, you know what you have? A jar full of pennies."

Joan:  "Uh huh."

Roger:  "Why are we even here, Joanie?"

Joan Holloway:  "Because Mad Men isn't back until next June and we have nothing else to do?"

Roger:  "That doesn't sound right."

Joan:  "Because I'm going to teach Bella about birth control just like I did with Peggy Olson?"

Roger:  "Please."

Joan:  "Because we're trying to appeal to a more sophisticated demographic?"

Roger:  "Negatory."

Joan:  "Because Jen wants to write the cost of buying us off her taxes?"

Roger:  "There we go.  Now get me a scotch, a Lucky Strike, and an introduction to Blondie in the bikini."

Bella:  "Hey, Jacob!  You're here!  And you're wearing a shirt.  S'up with that?"

Jacob:  "I told the producers I wasn't down with showing my abs."

Bella:  "Are you familiar with the concept of 'staying in your wheelhouse'?  Those ladies ain't here for me."

Jacob:  "Whatevs.  Wanted to see you before you're all undead and stuff."

Bella:  "Not going vamp during my honeymoon."

Jacob:  "But you're still planning to ride in Edward's Volvo?"

Bella:  "Natch."

Jacob:  "You're an idiot!"

Bella:  "And you're still wearing a shirt.  Who's the idiot now?"

Edward:  "Next stop, honeymoon!"

Bella:  "This isn't what I meant when I talked about a ride in your Volvo."

Edward:  "But it's tasseled for your pleasure!"

Edward:  "Care for an awkward midnight swim?"

Bella:  "Dunno.  Does your Volvo operate underwater?"

Edward:  "So, here we are in our marriage bed.  Whoo, don't know about you but I'm wiped.  G'night!"

Bella:  "I did not wait four films for your jetlagged ass to pass out now.  Gimme the keys; we're going for a ride.  I'll drive myself if I have to."

Edward:  "OMFG!!!!!  THIS IS THE GREATEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!  WOO!  TOUCHDOWN!  HOUSTON, WE DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM!!  I'M FACEBOOKING MY STATUS TO 'IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP' RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!11!!"

Bella:  "So... how long is forever exactly?"

Jen:  "Yes.  This is the perfect time for the preschooler sitting behind me to start telling everyone she loves Elmo.  Thanks for that."

Bella:  "In totally unrelated news, I'm starving.  Must be the island air and not the spawning of an unholy demon seed in my downstairs ladybits.  I'm going to eat fifty eggs for breakfast!"

Edward:  "Whatever you say, Cool Hand Luke."

Jacob:  "You're back!  You're looking... well."

Bella:  "Guess I'm going to be a teen mom after all.  Did not see that coming."

Jacob:  "Yeah, prolly going to have to kill your baby after this.  No offense."

Bella:  "None taken.  See?  See how amenable everyone is when you take off your shirt?"

Edward:  "I've come up with a rather elegant solution to that whole 'demon seed' thing."

Bella:  "See Dead Body; Over My."

Edward:  "Okay, fine, we'll try to save the damn baby.  But what might make you feel better?  Chicken soup?  A bathrobe?  Some celebrity magazines?"

Bella:  "No."

Alice:  "How about a nice, big glass of blood?"

Bella:  "Really?  That's where your mind goes next?  Really?"

Edward:  "We'll put it in a sippy cup for you."

Bella:  "Sold!"

Alice:  "It's so weird how you look fatter and thinner."

Bella:  "I know, right?"

Alice:  "Whatcha gonna name the baby?"

Bella:  "Renesmee."

Alice:  "Ha!  No, seriously."

Bella:  "I am serious."

Alice:  "Um, hey!  Look over there!  It's an angry wolf pack!"

Angry Wolf Pack:  "Let's get ready to ruuuuuuummmmmmmbbbbbblllllle!"

Bella:  "Shit!  My water broke all over Carrie's shoes!"

Jen:  "Wrong chick flick, sweetie."

Edward:  "This scene is awful!"

Alice:  "This scene is horrifying!"

Jen:  "This scene is why you don't bring a three year old to the goddamned movies."

Jacob:  "Did anyone else notice that Bella croaked?"

Jacob:  "Bella's Audi 5000 now.  But I got the wolf pack to stand down.  So there's that."

Jacob:  "And in even more good news, it turns out that I imprinted.  So first, Imma help raise the baby... and then Imma marry her!"

Edward:  "Aces."

Bella:  "Um, hello?  Not actually dead.  But I am calling my agent because I'll be damned if I'm not hot in the next movie."

Everyone:  "Hooray!" 

Bella:  "So... yeah.  Everything worked out really well even though it was touch and go for a hot minute.  To recap, I've got the guy, the baby, the Volvo, an ass that will never sag, and Jacob learned an important lesson about what cougars like.  Looks like Alice was right and nothing that went wrong stayed wrong.  And I don't even have to worry about those pesky Italians now!  The end!"

The Italians:  "What we have here is a Situation."

FIN

The Polite Thing To Do...

...would have involved pushing the slipped shade back on my head instead of whipping out his iPhone.

So, yeah... still dealing with this move.  Back soon with gratuitous swimming pit bull footage!

New New Moon

Setting:  Our kitchen, last night.  I'm accidentally burning the steaks while Fletch goes around opening windows to let the smoke escape.

Fletch:  So, are you ready for Friday?  You have everything together?

Me:  Yeah, I guess.  I don't really know what I have to get together, though.  I think I just need to show up, right?  Maybe get some popcorn and milk duds?

Fletch:  We'll need any new receipts you have for fourth quarter.

Me:  Why the hell would I need receipts to see the very first showing of New Moon on opening day?

Fletch:  Um, Jen... you understand we're meeting with our accountant at 11:00 on Friday, yes?  We've got two hours blocked off with him.

Me:  Wait, that's this Friday?  11/20 Friday?  New Moon Friday? 

Fletch:  Yes.

Me:  NOOOO!!!!!

* * *

So apparently I'm going to be busy being an adult on Friday instead of seeing the first showing of New Moon.  

However, if you're in the same boat, fear not for I have come up with a rather elegant solution to our dilemma.  Thus I present to you New Moon... the Jennsylvania edition.  (Beware, spoilers abound.)

* * *
The Cullen Family:  "Happy eighteenth birthday, Bella!"

Bella:  "Oh, dear - I seem to have given myself a paper cut.  Wait, everyone stop trying to kill me!  It's just a flesh wound!"

Edward:  "Well, shit."

Edward:  "I cannot be with you but I will not destroy your soul."

Bella:  "Huh?"

Edwards:  "It's over.  I'm Audi 5000."

Bella:  "Just because your family tried to kill me?  Oh, please, that happens at everyone's family gatherings.  Remind me to tell you about the Swan 2006 Arbor Day Massacre.  Wait, hey, DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME, MISTER!"

Edward:  ***

Bella:  "I can't believe that motherfucker just walked away from me."

Bella:  "I'm probably going to need some elastic waist pants after this.  But I'll rally.  I'll totally rally.  I am woman, hear me roar!"

Bella:  "Yeah, I kind of didn't rally."

Jacob:  "I'm going to need Kleenex, four boxes of wine, and Meg Ryan's entire body of work on DVD, stat!"

Bella:  "Hey, Jacob... have you been working out?"

Bella:  "When I play with dangerous stuff, I can hear Edward's voice in my head, almost like he's standing behind me, surrounded by an iced tea pitcher.  Hey, you know what would kick ass?  Cliff diving."

Jacob:  "Do you see that bloodsucker saving you?  No.  It's me.  I saved you."

Bella:  "Do you suddenly feel the urge to have some soup?" 

Jacob:  "No, but here's a towel."

Jacob:  "So, let's totally live happily ever after now because, seriously?  Your old boyfriend was kind of a creepy stalker."

Bella:  "Well... okay.  You wanna play Grand Theft Auto?"

Jacob:  "Absolutely!"

Bella:  "It's not really the happily ever after I'd hoped for, but I guess it's fine."

 Victoria and Laurent:  "I'm sorry, but there are still 300 pages left in this damn book.  This ain't over."

Laurent and Victoria:  "End of the road, bitch."

Jacob:  "Run, Bella, run!"

Bella:  "I can't run!  They'll totally kill you!"

Jacob:  "Pfft."

Bella:  "I won't let you die!"

Jacob:  "Seriously, it's not an issue because I'm a..."

Jacob:  "... werewolf."

Bella:  "Cool."

 
Bella:  "Hey, Alice is back!"

Alice:  "I thought you were dead."

Bella:  "Nope."

Alice:  "You do have man-hands though."

Bella:  "Speak for yourself."

Alice:  "Oh, P.S. Edward's going to try and kill himself.  We've got to head to Italy.  I'll drive."

Alice:  "How do you feel about grand theft auto?"

Bella:  "It's my favorite game."

Alice:  "Sweet."

Bella:  "Hey, is Edward still trying to kill himself?"

Alice:  "Yep, he's meeting with the Volturi right now."

Bella:  "Who?"

Alice:  "The Italians."

Edward:  "I feel such sadness, delicious, delicious sadness."

The Volturi:  "Maybe you should take your shirt off."

Meanwhile, on the road to Volturra...

Bella:  "Ohmigod, we're going to be too late!"

Alice:  "I suddenly regret stopping to buy these snappy accessories."

Bella:  "Whew!  We're here!  Let me just dash through this fountain and save Edward."

Bella:  "Hey... s'up?"

Edward:  "Nothing... I was just fixing to take off my shirt.  And die.  But now that you're here, I shall do neither."

Bella:  "Damn."

Edward:  "Listen, the Volturi want to chat before we leave."

The Volturi:  "FYI, you kind of need to kill Bella or make her a vampire.  Your choice."

Bella:  "Which choice will get him to take his shirt off faster?"

Edward:  "Woo, that's a real puzzler.  I can't live with you but I can't live without you.  Maybe we should get the hell out of here and discuss it on the plane?"

Alice:  "Shall I bring my accessories?"

Edward:  "Naturally."

Edward:  "Will you marry me?"

Bella:  "Will you take your shirt off if I say yes?"

Edward:  "If I must."

Bella:  "Done."

Alice:  "So, yeah, I guess this worked out nicely for all involved and there are absolutely no loose ends.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have a wedding to plan.  I call maid of honor!"

Jacob:  "NOOOO!!!!"

The End

(until Eclipse and Breaking Dawn)

* * *

I guess the good news for me is that technically I can write off the action figure purchases now.

So there's that.
 

(Not An Actual) Cry For Help

twilight

a poem by ms. jennifer a. lancaster

some days

 

i cannot wrap

 

my mind

 

around the shame

 

that is my life

P.S. Also in my cart on this particular Target run?  Dry cat food, wet cat food, cat treats, cat litter, cat toys, a pair of plus-size jeans, twelve cans of green beans, and six soups-for-one.

P.P.S.  I assured the cashier I was married.  (Pretty sure she didn't believe me.)

P.P.P.S.  And if you think I didn't immediately RUSH home and order the coordinating Jacob, Bella, and Alice action figures, you would be wrong.

P.P.P.P.S.  Please don't ask me if I bought Twilight Barbie, either.

P.P.P.P.P.S.  SHAME.